Becoming Fifty Shades
by KoolJack1
Summary: The fifty moments that made Christian fifty shades.
1. Shade One

_Mommy has pretty hair._ Her face isn't in color, it's completely white. Except under her eyes, it's black there. I want to color on her sometimes. "Baby, Mommy wants to rest." That's me, I'm Baby. Sometimes I'm Christian, sometimes I'm Baby. She turns and looks at me, she has pretty eye balls. "Are you tired, Baby?" Her lips need water, they are dry. I want to open my mouth and tell her I'm not, that I want to eat food and that I'm cold, but my voice doesn't work like hers. It doesn't work like anyones. Only my head can talk. She looks sad when my head talks, and it says yes even though I'm not really. It lies, I'm a liar. Liars are bad, liars should be punished. "Okay, Christian. Go lay down." I want to lay down with Mommy, but she just falls back on the ground and closes her eyes. She has a blankie, but she still shakes. So I give her my blankie too, and be very quiet while I push car around the floor. Car wants me to hold him, so I do. I lay on the floor in the corner and kiss him. He smiles. Mommy makes a noise, and her eyes drip. They open and are looking right at me, why are they leaking?

"They are only tears, Baby," she sounds so sleepy, and she knows what I'm thinking. Tears, the water is tears. I have tears sometimes, I don't know why. Sometimes when my stomach makes noises and my chest hurts, tears come out of my eyes like Mommy's. I want to tell her, but no words, so I put my head back down by Car. Car never tears.

The door bursts open, and Mommy makes a louder noise. Tears. He's here. I don't have a name for him, I don't know anyones name but Mommy. My name too, Baby or Christian. Why two names for me? Car has a name, Car. I made up a name for him, too. The man, I name him Mean. Mommy, Baby Christian, Car, and Mean. "Bitch, get up. I have a job for you." Mommy doesn't get up. Bitch? Her names Mommy. Mean is angry, and he kicks her, more tears.

"Okay," Mommy is tired, I want to tell him. Tired means she wants sleep, not a job. I don't know how to tell Mean. Maybe Car, can. I look at him, he doesn't have words either. "Christian needs something to eat." That's me, I'm Christian, and I'm hungry. How does Mommy know that?

"I'll feed the brat." I have three names?

He has a light stick in his mouth, and it's on fire. I hate light sticks, they smell. They're hot, they make my skin go on fire. Mommy tries to get up, too slow. Mean pulls her up by her hair, but it still looks pretty. I wonder if mine is pretty, I feel it on my head, but I don't know what I look like. Mean pushes Mommy out the door, saying something to her about finding Ricky downstairs. Is Ricky a name? He slams the door, the wall shakes. When he looks at me, I feel tears. "What do you want to eat, fucker?" Four names. I don't want cold food, they hurt my teeth. I want to tell Mean warm food, but again no words. I push Car towards him, hoping he'll tell him. He doesn't, and Mean kicks him and makes a funny noise. Car doesn't tear when he hits the wall, but I do. My heart hurts, it's loud. I wonder if Mean and Car can hear it. Mean grabs my arm and pulls me up, My throat makes a noise, and I've heard Mommy make it before. I trip and fall, and he holds me up by my arm. The light stick falls on my back, and I finally make words. This is the only time I make words, when I touch the light sticks. My mouth opens and sounds come out, my eye balls leak tears. He picks up the light stick and puts it back in his mouth, dragging me to the counter. He's holding too tight, my arm is going to come off I think. As long as it's not both, because I need to hold Car. Mean drops cold food at my feat, peas. My belly hurts looking at them. He doesn't say anything else, he leaves again. I hear the click after he leaves, and I know the door won't open now. He makes it stuck so I have to stay.

I hurry to Car, the arm Mean held too tight hurts, so I use the extra one. Car must be hungry too. I kiss him, happy to see he doesn't have tears. I sit by the cold peas, putting one in my mouth. They hurt my teeth. I put one down for Car, but he doesn't like them either. I go get blankie and cover me and Car and the peas. My belly hurts and I have more tears, I don't know why.


	2. Shade Two

Mommy makes so many tears now, loud tears. More tears than ever. So many loud tears that me and Car have to cover our ears to think. I want to ask her why, but still no words. I want words, I have so many words I want. Mean is in the room, he's making loud words. He's hitting things, he hits me and Mommy screams loud words at him. She tells him to go fuck himself, and he says not himself, but her. I'm so sleepy, so many loud words keep me and Car awake. Peas make my belly twist, and I threw up. That's why Mean is mad, I threw up. I didn't want to, I want to explain it to him.

He's on top of Mommy now, and she's not making loud words anymore. She's not doing anything, and he's just moving against her. He's making other noises, not words. Mommy only makes tears, but she looks at me. "Look away, Baby. Don't look." That's me, I'm Baby. Don't look? Where do I look then? She's making noises now too, and he's still on her. I listen to Mommy and stare at Car, and I make him face me so he doesn't look either.

I want to tell Car that I think Mean is hurting Mommy, and that we should help her, but when I move my mouth I don't make any words. Suddenly, Mean and Mommy are quiet, and he isn't moving anymore. She has her arms around him, kinda like a hug. I want her to hug me, I think. Not Mean to hug me, only Mommy. Mean gets up, his eyes look at me. His eyes are Mean too. I hold Car tighter, afraid I'll crush him.

"Like what you see, brat?" I'm brat too. Baby, Christian, Brat, Fucker. I don't know what he's talking about, but I'm afraid that if I don't answer, he'll be mean to me. My head says yes, because Car told me that's the answer he wants. He laughs then, taking a light stick from a box in his pocket and making it go on fire. My body tingles as I see it. His foot kicks Mommy again, "See, bitch? The little fucker likes watching, maybe he'll turn into a man after all." Mommy, not Bitch, I want to tell him. I also want to tell him I don't know what he's talking about, but Mommy says something now.

"He's a fucking child you piece of shit! You leave him alone, never do that in front of him again!" Her words are loud again, and my head hurts. Child? Another name? Why does everyone have so many names? Do what in front of me?

"Do not talk to me like that you whore, or I will beat the brat and do worse than make him watch." Mean is mad again, he's always mad. Mommy doesn't use loud words anymore, just makes tears and noises. Bitch and Whore? I thought her name was Mommy. Maybe everyone has more than one name.

I look down at Car, he only has one name. I feel bad for not giving him more, so I start to think of something else to call him too.


	3. Shade Three

Mommy doesn't make tears anymore, even though Mean is here. Mean shakes her, "Holy fucking shit!" He pushes her back on the ground, what does he mean? His mean eye balls look at me, and I want to throw Car at him. But I don't want to hurt Car, I love him. His eye balls just keep looking at me, and my body wants to disappear. "What the fuck happened?" His words are for me, I think. I don't know how to tell him, so my head just says yes. "Fucking stupid." Another name.

Mommy told me she loves me, a little while ago. She told me sorry, I don't know why sorry. She told me to come by her, but I couldn't, I don't like leaving the wall. She had more tears.

_"Baby, Mommy loves you. Do you love me?" My head didn't say yes for me, it didn't say anything. "Please Baby, I want to hear your voice at least once." I don't know why I'm having tears now too. Car doesn't say anything either. _

_"At least come here Baby, let me give you a kiss." I don't want a kiss, I don't want her to touch me. My body hurts too much to go over there._

_"Oh, Christian. I always thought when I had a baby I'd spoil him with love and a beautiful house and push him on the swings. Read to him, watch him grow up. I'm sorry Baby, so very sorry." Her tears are loud noises now, and I don't want to look at her anymore. So I look at Car. "Good, Baby. You play with your car, don't look at me Christian. Take good care of Car." More loud tears. How does she know his name? Did he tell her when I was sleeping? I frown, Car doesn't tell me things._

_I lay with him and close my eyes while Mommy's tears get less loud._

That's all I remember, I want to tell Mean. Nothing happened. I don't understand, I look at Car. He doesn't understand either. Mean grabs some stuff and leaves, the door clicks. He's made it stuck again. I crawl to Mommy with Car, I touch her face and her hair. She's cold, so I cover her with blankie. She is sleeping, so I play with her hair. She taught me how to braid it, she likes braids. So I braid it to make it a surprise when she wakes up.

I get tired of waiting and move back a little and lay with Car. My belly hurts, more tears. My mouth is sticky, I want water. I can't get up though. I close my eyes and feel my stomach hurt worse, and my mouth makes a noise. I'm scared, I want Mommy to come here. I try to say her name, but no words. I push Car towards her, but he bounces back and she doesn't get up. No more tears, but her lips are blue now. My head hurts now too, Mommy can fix it. She just has to get up. Since she's sleeping, I tell Car to sleep, and I close my eyes too.

My throat makes noises, and I can't breathe right. I can't feel air going in and out. The air on me is hot, and my skin starts to leak. Can tears come out of places other than eye balls? It's making my skin so wet, and I wish Mean didn't take my shirt so I could dry it. Blankie would dry it, but I can't move to take him from Mommy. I can't even open my eyes. Mommy once told me about a friend she had when she was younger, a girl a little smaller than her that she'd push on the swing set in her backyard. I asked her what a swing set was, and she made me close my eyes. A piece of wood with chains up to a bar above. Sit on the wood and move back and forth, and you get higher and higher. I asked her if it's scary, and she says no. She says she liked closing her eyes and feeling the wind and the sunshine as she went back and forth. Her and her friend would laugh and talk and eat ice cream on her swing set.

So, sometimes when I make tears and my chest hurts, I close my eyes and think about a swing set. I want to go on a swing set


	4. Shade Four

I'm cold, so cold. My teeth shake. I hear noise outside the door, and I wonder if Mean is back. I make my eyes open, and Mommy hasn't moved. Not even a little. I want to tell her that Mean is back and we should hide, but I still don't know words. Mommy once told me she knows I understand, but she doesn't know why I won't talk. She says I talked to her as a baby, but I don't remember. The door opens, and it's too bright and I have to shut my eyes. It's not Mean, there are more people here. They don't smell like he does and I don't smell light sticks.

"Oh my God," I don't want to open my eyes, I don't want to see who Mean brought this time. So many loud words, and when I peek, so many people are in the room. I never seen any of them before. Someone picks up Car and my throat makes a noise, I want them to give him back. People are all around Mommy, and some of them come by me. I can't move, I can't get away. Where's Car? I make tears and the world is hard to see because of the water. A hand touches me, and I'm making loud noises. "Sh, it's alright now. Can you tell me your name?" I can't stop making loud noises, their hands hurt. They put me on a bed that moves, hands on me. I can finally move, and I'm still making loud noise. I see people lift Mommy, and she doesn't move or make noise. Someone holds my arm tight, the arm that still hurts from Mean holding it. So many people are around me, I can't see where the bed is going. Something hurts my arm, and I make a loud noise again, and the pain stops. Someone holds my face down, and suddenly I feel like i can't keep making noise. My eyes start to close, and I want to know where Car is. He's scared too, I know. He probably has tears now too.

I'm not cold when I wake up again. I'm not on the ground, I'm on a bed. A different bed, an all white bed. The walls aren't the same either, they have pretty pictures. Mommy told me pictures are painted, who painted the walls? They have fish, smiley fish. Theres a box by my head, it makes a beep noise like Mean's phone. "Oh, Carrick, he's awake." The words scare me, I only saw fish, not people. "Hello, sweetheart." I'm sweetheart now? I look on the other side of the bed, away from the fish. A lady and a man are there, their eye balls watch me. The lady comes to me, and reaches her hand out. Don't touch me, I want to tell her. She doesn't, instead she gives me Car. I missed him, he doesn't have any tears right now, but he looks happy to see me too. "Christian?" It scares me, her saying my other name. How does she know? I thought only Mommy knew that one. Mommy, where is she? "My name is Grace," she looks sad and happy at the same time, and I don't understand. I stare at the happy fish walls. "Do you know where you are?" Why is she saying words to me, I don't know her.

Mommy once told me to never talk to Mean, even thought I didn't talk to her. She was reminding me, like if I do use words, don't use them to Mean. Mommy wouldn't want me using words to Grace anyway. What is Grace's other names? "You're in a hospital, you're very sick, but I'm a doctor and I'm going to make you better." She doesn't look happy now, just sad. The man, Carrick? Just sits there, and she looks at him. I don't know why they are here, I don't know why I'm here. I don't know where Mommy is, and I don't know why she isn't here. I'm not sick, I was sick once with a cough, and I thew up before. Mommy said that means I'm sick, I'm not sick. Another lady walks in, and I want it to be Mommy. It's not, it's another lady who looks sad and happy too, like Grace.

"Hello, sweetheart," she knows that name too! "I need to run a few more tests, so back to sleep you go." How can she make me sleep when I'm not tired. Something is going in my hand, and goes to the box too. I don't understand, I want to tell them. They just look happy and sad at me, all of them. One, two, three of them. My eye balls get tired suddenly, and I close them, my brain doesn't want to think anymore anyway.


	5. Shade Five

My mouth is dry, I want water. People are using words by me, I think it's Grace and a lady. I lay still so they won't look at me, maybe they can't see me until I move.

"You've already been cleared for the adoption, but we have to wait to be sure no living family wants to claim him," the voice sounds sad.

"If he does have family, what if they are no better?" Another sad voice.

"His mother didn't leave any indication that there was any other family, the only reason we even knew his name was because of the writing on the wall." Whose name?

I want to open my eyes and ask who they are talking about, but I'm afraid. I don't want them to touch me, or make me use words.

"Even if someone does come forward, we will do an extensive background checks, and follow up visits."

No more words for a few minutes, and i'm afraid they saw me move or something.

"Until the waiting period is over? Where does he go?" Who is he, where is he going?

"We have a foster home near by to place him at for the time being, and if no one claims him, he will be yours to adopt."

My head starts to hurt, and I stop listening.

I guess I sleep, because I wake up again when someone makes me. There are lots of people in the room, all looking happy and sad. I've never seen so many people, and I'm confused.

Grace is there, I see her standing by me. "This is your going home party," she says. She puts a little box on my lap, and the man from before is standing by her now. I don't know who everyone else is. "That is a present for you, open it."

Everyones eye balls watch me, and I want to make tears. I do what she wants though, and take the paper off another box. It has a picture of cars like Car on it, and I look on the table and smile at my Car. "We know you like cars, so we got you some more to play with while we wait to take you home." Grace looks happy and sad again.

Home? Back with Mommy? Where is Mommy, she isn't any of these people. Mean isn't here either. My chest starts to hurt, and my brain tells me something weird. Mommy isn't coming here, she will never be here again. I want to ask them why they made me leave her, and now she won't be able to find me again. I can't breathe, and it sounds like I'm only making noises. No one looks happy and sad anymore, just sad. I don't understand. I don't know why, but I hit the box with the car pictures on it and it falls on the floor. Home? I have a home. Grace picks it up and puts it on the table next to the real Car. He probably doesn't want to be friends with them, like I don't want to be friends with these people. "Oh, Baby, it's going to be okay. You'll be a part of our family soon, but for right now you have to stay with a different family." I have a family too, Mommy and Mean and Car. My eyes leak tears, and I wonder where blankie is. I can't reach Car, I can't see Mommy. Blankie would take the water off. The people start to leave, and they look sad. More than sad. I don't understand, I just want to know what they want.

Grace puts Car near me like she knows I want him, and maybe she knows what I'm thinking like Mommy does. "Christian, I promise we will take care of you from now on. You'll have a life of happiness and love," Grace says, but I don't want to listen anymore. I hold Car tight, I don't love them. I love Car and Mommy, and sometimes Mean, when he isn't mean. Mean can be nice sometimes. My lips are dry and I lick them, and Grace has water in a cup with a thing in it and she puts it by my lips. She does know what I'm thinking. "Suck the water through it," she tells me, and I do. It tastes so good. Cold with chunks of colder things in it, and it makes my throat not feel like it was touched by a light stick. Grace looks happy again, and I feel a little happy, "Better, Baby?" How does she know my other name? Maybe Mommy told her. If Mommy told her my other name, then maybe Mommy likes her and I can like her too. I do like her, not as much as Mommy or Car, but she is nice and pretty. She has pretty hair like Mommy's, and I want to touch it. I don't though, because I don't know if that's what she wants. Grace opens the box with the car pictures on it and puts two more cars on my lap just like Car, only different colors. Mommy told me Car is red, but these cars are yellow, like the sun, and blue like blankie. I like both colors, and I smile happy at them. They smile back, and they are nice like Car. I hope Car likes them, because I do. I tell Car their names are Sun and Blankie, and he likes them too. Maybe all of these new people aren't so bad


	6. Shade Six

Grace told me that this place is my foster home, just for now. Two boys, two girls, a mom and a dad. There's a boy named Jack, Jack is a nice name. He's a nice boy when people are by us, but I share a room with him and he isn't nice. He broke Car, he said it was an accident. I don't understand how wheels fall off of Car when they never did before. I hide Sun and Blankie and Car with no wheels now, so he can't find them. Jack is angry at me a lot, he says that Grace and Carrick should love him and not me. Maybe he is right, but they don't. He calls me stupid for not talking, I think Mean called me that. Do people tell people the names they have for other people? I only have one name for everyone.

This mom calls me Baby Bird, and Jack said that she does it because baby birds are stupid and little and can't fly and can't do anything alone. I've never seen a baby bird before, but Jack knows about all of these things. Jack tells me he's eight, which is four more than me, Grace told me. He does this thing where he goes to one of those girls rooms and looks in when they have a boy in there. The boy is on top of them like Mean did with Mommy, but they make loud noises. Jack tells me it's fun to watch, but Mommy always told me not to watch when Mean did that. Jack also has a book from the other boys room, he says it's a magazine. Theres a lot of girls with no clothes on, and Jack says it's hot, but the pages don't feel hot. Not hot like a light stick. No one here has light sticks.

Jack has a big bed, and there is one by his for me too. I like sleeping on the floor and Jack says that's dumb but this mom told me I can sleep wherever I'm comfortable. The girls like me, they help me take a bath without touching me, they know how to make bubbles in the water. I like them too, they are pretty like Mommy and Grace, and I want to tell them but I can't. I want to tell the one girl that Jack looks in her room when the boy she calls Max comes in there, but I don't know how to tell her. She calls me Honey Bunch and I don't know where people get all of these names. This mom in this house takes me back and forth to the hospital every day, and they do things to me and make sure I'm not sick anymore. I'm not allowed to eat what everyone else eats yet, just soft food. I don't mind because it's hot. Grace is always at the hospital when I go, and I like seeing her. She always has a present for me.

Her and Carrick come to my foster house at night sometimes too, and they come in my room and read me books and show me pictures of their house that will be my house too. They have another boy named Lliot, and they say he's bigger than me but really wants to meet me and teach me games. Sometimes on some days, Grace and Carrick take my out of the house for ice cream, and they show me things all over the world. I want to hug them and tell them I love them, but I can't. I wonder what happened to Mommy? No one talks about her anymore, and when I think about her I make tears and my chest hurts. When Grace and Carrick come, those nights before bed; Jack gets mad and hits me. He tells me not to tell anyone, even though I'm too stupid to talk. I don't mind when he hits me, only sometimes when he does it too hard. He's not as big as Mean and it doesn't hurt a lot, so I don't mind. Jack makes me sad, I want to be his friend but he only is my friend when other people are near us.

Grace gives me a picture one day of her, Carrick, and Lliot. She tells me to keep it so I remember what my family looks like. I didn't know families had more than two people in it. Jack rips the picture when he sees it, and I make tears because it'll make Grace sad. I hide it when she comes over again, and she asks where it is and I don't know what to do. She asks where the cars are, and they are under the pillow with the picture. It's three pictures now. I move the pillow to get the cars for her and she sees the picture and she gets sad. She thinks I broke it, and I want to tell her I didn't. Grace makes tears and she takes the pieces back and looks at me. I hold Car, Sun, and Blankie to her so they can make her feel better, and she looks happy and sad at the same time again. It makes me angry. I want to tell her it was Jack, Jack is stupid. Jack has two names, Jack and Stupid. I want to tell Grace I like her presents, but I just make more tears instead.

"Oh, Christian don't cry. You were probably upset when this happened, it's okay," she reaches out to touch me and I'm to afraid to let her so I step back, she looks more sad than happy now, "I can bring another one if you want?" My head says yes, and she seems happier again. I won't let Stupid touch this one. "Would you like to meet Elliot?" She asks suddenly. I stare at her, I don't know where he is to meet him. My head says yes.

"Carrick can meet us at the park with him if you want to play with him," she sounds more than happy, and I feel happy too.

Grace walks next to me as we go to the park, and she said that I don't have to hold her hand but I have to stay very close. I do, because I don't want to leave her anyway. It's getting dark, but it's still light enough to see, and I see Carrick pushing another boy on the… _swings!_ My throat makes a noise and Grace bends down to look at me. "What?" She sounds very happy that I made a noise, but I can't look at her, so I look at the ground. "Christian, look at me." She doesn't sound mad, but maybe she is. I look at her for a second, then look at the boy on the swings. She stands up and her hand is right by my face. I don't know why but when we walk closer I lift my hand to gently touch her fingers. She stops and I jump away from her, scared. Carrick, the boy, and Grace stare at me and I want to go away from them. The boy on the swings moves and comes towards me, and I move back. My heart is too fast. Carrick pulls him back and uses quiet words by his ear. I know the words are about me. The boy moves slower now, and I look at the ground.

"You're Christian," he says, Grace must have told him my name. "I'm Lliot, your brother." I look at him, then Grace, and she smiles at me. He's very close now, his arm could reach out and touch me. He's bigger than me, and he talks. I look at the swings, and he looks happy. "I like the swings, do you want to swing with me?" My head waits, then says yes. He runs back to the one he was on, and I go to the other one. It's too big, I can't jump that high. Carrick stands by me, and I try again, I can't get up.

"Do you want me to help you?" My throat makes a noise and he comes a little closer, and I feel tears for no reason. "Don't cry, little guy." Little Guy, I'm Little Guy now. I just want to swing


	7. Shade Seven

I make so many tears that Carrick backs up. I want to scream and yell, and I wish Mean was here. I feel like I'm too full, and Mean knew how to make it go away. He hit me so hard one time my insides moved around, I think. Carrick, Lliot, and Grace don't yell or hit me, but they watch me. Lliot gets off the swing and stands behind Carrick and Grace makes tears like mine. My hands want to hit things like Mean hit Mommy and me. Will they still like me if I hit something or myself? Grace comes closer and kneels down, and she wants to touch me, I can tell. "Oh, sweet heart," her words are very quiet, "I know baby, I know." I don't know what she knows, but maybe she does because she's making tears too. Her hair looks very pretty and I reach out to touch it and she doesn't move. It's soft like I thought, and warm. She isn't even breathing, and I touch her ear. Her skin is soft too, like Mommy's. Will she let me braid her hair one day? "Can I touch you, Christian?" She asks me, and for a second I think about it and then I back up, tripping over the swing. The dirt catches me and he comes closer and I'm scared. Grace wouldn't hurt me would she?

Carrick and Lliot are quiet and they walk away where me and Grace came from. Grace sits in the dirt next to me and looks at the sky. It's orange like the fruit, Mommy said. Grace doesn't make anymore tears, so I just sit there and don't make anymore either. "Christian, you're a sweet boy. You deserve someone who loves you and takes care of you. I know you haven't had that yet, but I want to help you get it now. I want to hold you and read to you and teach you things. I can be like your mom if you let me," her words are quiet, and she's looking at me, "I know you understand what I'm saying, and I know you know how to talk, Christian." Everyone else just thinks I'm stupid, but not Grace. I want to tell her about Mean and Mommy and the light up sticks that burn and Jack and watching the girls with the boys and Jack breaking her picture and Car and Jack hitting me. I just keep looking at her though, I don't know where my words are hiding. "I'm sure you have a beautiful voice, and a beautiful laugh. You have a very handsome smile, and I heard you make a noise before," she says, looking happy. I want to tell her that Mommy said I used to talk.

I want to tell her everything, I want her to see the little marks the light sticks leave, I want her to know. I open my mouth and try to move my tongue, but I can only make a little noise in my chest. Words scare me, I don't want to use words. "Oh, Baby boy don't force yourself. When you're ready you will, I know that." I let my mouth close, and I don't understand how she knows what I'm thinking too. I thought it was only Mommy. Maybe Grace likes me like Mommy likes me, so she can do it too. "Maybe we can come up with a different way for you to talk to us," she says, and I tilt my head and rest it on my knees and look at her. "We can work on you writing it down, or drawing it. That way we know you get everything you want." I want to tell her I don't know how to write words, only one. My name, and I use my finger to write it in the dirt next to me. C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N, Grace looks very happy. "Yes, sweet heart, very good that's your name!" I want to tell her Mommy taught me, but I just smile instead. She writes next to mine G-R-A-C-E. I stare at it, then at her. "That's my name, see, we have some of the same letters. R, A, C." I copy what she writes next to hers and write her name. She claps, and I really like that I make her happy.

We sit more and she spells out our last name, G-R-E-Y. She writes out the whole alphabet, but I can only remember the first few. She makes me spell out my full name C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N G-R-E-Y. She is very happy. "We can practice more at home, it's getting dark." I want to ask her where Carrick and Lliot went, but I just follow. "I can't wait until you come live with us, it's going to be great," She tells me, and she means it. I walk next to her, and wish I could say me too, but instead I just touch her finger again so she knows I like her. She acts like how I always wanted Mommy to act, I always wanted Mommy to show me things and talk to me. Mommy just wanted to sleep and never took me outside. Mean didn't want me outside, but I wanted to. Inside smelled and was cold, and I hated it. I'm scared Grace won't let me go outside, what if I live with her forever and never can leave again? I start to make tears as Grace opens the big Car's door, and she sees them and she gets sad. "No, no tears handsome man. I wish you could tell me why you always cry," she sounds so so sad. I just sniffle and climb in the backseat. I want to tell her, I want to tell her everything, but I really can't. It's hard not having any words sometimes. "Maybe when you come live with us we will work on the writing and drawing and you can tell me why you're sad. Put your seat belt on too," she says when she gets in the front seat. I didn't know there were big Car's with seat belts for us to ride in, I feel bad for Car being so small. I'm very small too, I feel bad for me. If I was big I could do what I want and I wouldn't have to live if I didn't want. Mommy explained to me that what we do everyday is living, and I wanted to tell her I don't want to but my head knew it was a secret so I didn't.

Maybe I should tell Grace. She turns on the radio, and she sings a song no one ever sang to me before. I close my eyes and listen to her sing, and I wish my Mommy sang to me


	8. Shade Eight

**A/N: Hello everyone! I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has been following along and leaving such kind and fantastic reviews, and thanks for the compliments! I read and smile at everyone of them. This story has gotten to be quiet popular apparently, but there are so many great ones out there. What surprises me is the lack of fan fiction and fan sites on the web for the Fifty Shades Trilogy, especially because there is so much more to the plot we could develop in fanfics, the possibilities are endless! So, on that note, I've read basically every fanfic on this site for the trilogy, and there weren't as many as I'm used to sadly. I'm used to there being thousands for the shows, books, and movies I'm a fan of. So, I was wondering if anyone has any other websites that are for fans or fan fiction sites or stories anywhere on the web for 50 Shades, or if your read one you really liked and would be willing to share, please let me know! I'm craving more! Please PM me with any information, thanks.**

**Enjoy!**

When I wake up, I'm in my bed. I don't know how I got here, and I miss Grace because she isn't here. Jack is standing next to my bed, his eye balls look at me. He looks angry and mean and I go all the way under the blanket, it's a lot bigger than Blankie. "Where did she take you?" Jack means Grace I think, and I peek out from under the blanket to look at him. "You still won't talk?" I'm scared, I want him to go away. I want to scream and he goes away. He pulls the blankie off me and holds my arm tight. He pulls and I'm on the floor, Jack still up there. The floor catches me and it hurts my chest, and he won't let go of my arm. "Grace thinks your normal and like beds, but you don't. You're a freak. She should love me so she can put me to bed," Grace put me to bed? He pulls harder and there is a noise in my throat and I can't feel my arm.

"Jack!" Another voice, and I'm more scared. I start to make tears and I can't see who it is, but he let's go of my arm and I hold it with the other one.

"What's going on?" Another voice, and I don't want to look. I cover my face and lay on the floor and Jack makes noises and I know he's making tears without looking.

"Oh, sweet heart," Grace! She's kneeling next to me, "What happened?" I just make more tears and lay still, and Jack says I tried to punch him. I feel like someone put something in my mouth and I can't breathe. I sit up and look at Grace, she looks sad. "Why did you try to punch him?" I stare at her, and I can't move. I didn't try to punch him, did he think I was going to? Jack is still making tears and showing him mom the arm where I punched him, and I don't understand. I turn and punch the bed, and my hand burns. Grace makes a noise and grabs my fist and I tear some more and try to get away. "I know it's frustrating you don't talk, but I need to know what happened. Don't hit things, you'll hurt yourself," she sounds scared now, and she's using quiet words so only I can hear. "It's okay, why did you punch Jack?" I try to punch the bed again but she holds tight, "Did you punch him?" I look at her and my head says no and I start to cry. I want her to understand.

Grace looks sad, but mad and looks at Jack and then at me. "I'm going to bring you home tonight, there is no reason for you to be here any longer." I stare at her and I don't understand, she goes to get up and let's me go. "I have to call someone, come outside with me." She stands there and I get up and go with her. Jack's eye balls look mad as I walk by him, but I just look up at Grace. She takes out something and presses things. I look at it, and I want to touch it. "It's called a cell phone, sweetie. You use it to talk to other people who have a phone." She talks into it, and I don't know what she's talking about. My arm and my hand hurt, and I want to lay down. I want to find Mommy and lay with her and sleep but I know she won't let me because I don't let her sleep good.

"He needs care, help, and love and he will be okay. He isn't getting that here, we're wasting time and doing more damage," Grace is using loud words and it makes me scared so I back up. She sees and kneels down, making a smile, "I'm not mad at you Christian, don't worry," and she talks back to the cell phone again. "If a family member steps forward I will deal with that then. Right now he needs stability and a home and a family, not a place to sleep. He's terrified, he cries a lot, do you think that's good for the situation?" I think the he is me. I come a little closer and Grace puts out her hand and I touch her finger, she looks like she's going to make tears. "Thank you, thank you so much Linda. We'll be in touch tomorrow, I'll bring him in at noon." The cell phone is back in her pants and she looks happy, "You're coming home tonight, Christian." I'm happy and I want to tell her I'm happy too and I smile like she does. "Let's get your stuff together and go home, it's late." My mouth opens and air comes out but I can't stop it. She laughs, "My point exactly, and when you yawn your supposed to cover your mouth." Yawn? She goes back to Jack's room and I go too, she tells his mom what happened on the cell phone and the lady seems happy. Maybe she didn't like me.

"He's leaving?" Jack sounds sad, but Jack doesn't like me so I don't understand. "I don't want him to," he's making tears and comes towards me and I back up. I think he wants to hug me and my head keeps saying no.

"Jack, he doesn't want you to touch him. You can say goodbye from where you are," Grace says, and she sounds angry. Jack stops and his eye balls look angry.

"Bye," and he goes to the other room. I look at Grace and Jack's mom and Grace puts my stuff in a bag thing and hands me Car, Sun, and Blankie and says bye to Jack's mom and I follow her outside.

"Bye, Baby Bird," Jack's mom says and I look at her and smile because I don't know how else to say bye. I climb in the car and Grace helps me close the door. My chest hurts again and I wonder if it's because Jack made me fall on the floor. I need to use words one day, I know I do. Grace said it was frustrating, is that what I feel? No one understands. I reach forward and try to to touch Grace's arm so she looks at me but I can't reach. I make a noise and the car stops moving for a second and Grace looks back.

"What's the matter sweet heart?" I just stare at her and I don't know what's the matter. I just can't stop being sad, and my chest hurts. I touch where it hurts and Grace looks sad again. The car moves and she turns it off and gets out and opens the door. "What's wrong honey? Your chest hurts? Let me see," she reaches to see and I pull back. "Okay, well unbutton your shirt and show me yourself." It takes me time but I get it open and she looks, "There's a little bruise, that's why it hurts. I can give you ice for it at home," she's still looking, and I look down and see the marks from the light sticks and I cover them with my shirt. "It's okay to let people see them," she says and she smiles and shuts the door again. When she comes back in the car it moves again and it feels like so long but we finally stop for good. She helps me out and I look at the house, it's so big. Something makes a noise behind a fence, a loud noise I never heard people make. It scares me and I back up against the car. It's walks on it's hands and feet and it's all hairy with big teeth. I close my eyes and want it to go away. "Christian, baby it's only a dog. It's barking and saying hello, that's all. Elliot likes the neighbors dog, he doesn't hurt anyone." Dog. I open my eyes and look at it, and it isn't making anymore noise. He doesn't seem mean anymore. It's dark now, and I can't really see what it looks like good, but maybe when it's light again I can see.

Grace takes the bag of my stuff and walks to the house, I follow, trying to see. It's a big house, with big rooms and big stairs and big everything. Grace keeps walking and I follow her up stairs and she opens a door and it's another big room. "This is your bedroom, we started putting it together a few weeks ago when we decided we were going to take you home," Grace seems happy, but I don't understand. My room? "The bed is yours, it has rocket ships on it. We put some clothes for you in the drawers, the little light stays on over night so you can see. That's a television, you can watch something if you want me to show you how. You can put your cars on the table and keep the television on over night if you want. You can do whatever you want in here, handsome, it's your room." I see all the presents she gave me in the room, she gave me books she said I can color in and crayons and other stuff too. It's all here, I don't know what to do. "Do you want a snack?" I hate when people say things and I don't understand. Snack? "Like something to eat before bed? Elliot likes chocolate milk and a cookie." I stare at the wall, and she makes a noise and walks away. I look at everything and I don't know what to do. I want to make tears again, but Grace comes back with a cup and something. "This is a chocolate chip cookie, and this is chocolate milk, Elliot likes them so I'm sure you will too." Where is Lliot and Carrick? I take them and stare at them, I let some chocolate milk go in my mouth and it's so good. The cookie is crunchy and yummy and I eat it in one, two, three bites. Grace laughs and I spill some milk on my shirt and I'm scared she'll be mad, "It's okay, everyone spills things. When you get changed I'll wash it for you, did you like it? My head says yes and she takes the cup and goes to a drawer and takes out different clothes that are soft and warm. "Put these on and give me those and I'll wash them." She waits and I try to do it without her seeing my skin but I think she does anyway. New clothes are soft and warm and they make me tired. She takes the old ones, "Go try out your new bed, I'll turn on the television." It's a box with glass and it lights up. It's a dog like the one outside with other animals that Mommy told me about. "It will turn off on it's own, just try to sleep."

I climb up and go under the big blankie like at Jack's house only a different color. Grace turns out a big light and the little one stays on just like she said. "I'll show you the whole house tomorrow. The bathroom is right outside and my room and Elliot's room are a few doors down. I'll leave my door open and you can come get me or Carrick if you want. Elliot's door is always closed, that's how he likes it. I think they are already both in bed." She comes closer and I hide my face in the pillow, "Sleep well, okay Christian?" I think she wants to touch me but she doesn't, and she leaves the door open. It's just me and the dog on the television


	9. Shade Nine

**A/N: First off, wow. I've never, ever imagined having a story that got so popular so quickly, with followers! You guys are fantastic, each and every one of you have written me beautiful comments and contacted me with such wonderful PMs, it's made my entire day! Thank you for reading, because without readers, there is no story; thank you for giving it life!**_  
_

_"Mommy!" It's so cold, everything is cold. My teeth shake, my body shakes and I can't stop it. Mommy keeps laying there and when I touch her she's even colder than me. Mean has a light stick and he touches her and she doesn't make a noise. I make a noise, and I use words. "No!" So many tears, the light stick keeps touching me. My arm where Mean held it comes off he holds it so tight and he brought other people, where are these people from? They go on top of Mommy and I keep making noises and I hit them. Someone else makes a noise and Jack is there. He pulls my other arm and it comes off. I can't breathe, I can't do anything. I make tears._

_I close my eyes and open them, and Grace is next to Mommy. They are on her too, and Mean pulls my hair and my throat makes more noise like it's trying to breathe but can't. Mean and Jack start hitting me, and I keep making tears and I just lay there like Mommy and Grace. One time when Mean was hitting me Mommy told me to just lay down and think of something else. I try to, like Mommy said, and I keep thinking of not having arms and Car and Sun and Blankie who aren't here. "Fucking brat, piece of shit."_

"Christian! Oh, baby, it's okay," When I open my eyes I hear noise and it's me. Grace and Carrick are there now, but Grace isn't laying with Mommy. She looks okay, but I keep making tears because I thought she wasn't okay. "I wish I could hold you Christian, God I wish I could make it better." Grace is making tears and she sits by me. I reach out to touch her tear and it only makes her make more. Carrick comes close and he smiles at me.

"It was a bad dream, little man. Everyone has them, but they aren't real," how can something in life be not real? Is everything not real? I want to ask them where Mommy is because when I was scared before she made it better, but now Grace and Carrick are here and they make it better. Would Mommy be bad that they make it better too? I'm so tired, my eye balls just want to close and never open again. I make a yawn and sniffle and Grace kisses her hand and gently touches my hair. My body moves by itself and it wants to move back but I stay very still. Her hand doesn't hurt, it just sits on my head and she feels my hair. Maybe she likes playing with hair like I like to braid hair.

"You have such nice hair, it's soft and such a handsome color," I never seen what my hair looks like before. In the bathroom at Jack's house, there was something on the wall that lets you see yourself, but I'm too little to see. "Tomorrow, we're going to do so much Christian. I'm so excited to teach you everything and spend time with you," Grace looks very happy and she moves her hand on my hair, I smile and try to lay down and when she goes to take her hand back I hold it on my head with mine. I want her to stay and tell me things, and I don't know how. She makes more tears and I hate that I make her sad, it makes me sad. "Sweet hear, these are happy tears," how does she know what I think all the time? What are happy tears, how are they different? "I'm happy you're letting me touch you."

Carrick backs up again, "I'll leave you too alone, goodnight Christian, have good dreams." I don't know how to tell him back so I just say yes with my head and he understands because he smiles and he leaves. Grace stays and keeps touching my hair, and I like it.

"I'm so happy to have you here, Christian. We are so lucky to have such another wonderful boy in our lives, like Elliot. He's a blessing to us, and now we are lucky enough to have two," I keep looking at her, and I don't know if I smile or say yes with my head so I just look at the top of the room. "I know we haven't gotten to know each other well yet, but I love you already and you are very special to me, I hope you learn that. Carrick loves you too, and Elliot is so excited to get to know you so he has someone to play with. Maybe one day you'll talk to us and love us back." I want to tell her that I love them now, but I just look at her. I can't think of how to tell her and it makes me frustrated, like Grace said. "You really should sleep, I want to do so much with you tomorrow and I don't want you to be tired, I even took off from work," what work does she do? Mean always had jobs for Mommy, does someone have jobs for Grace too? So many things I can't ask without words, it makes me mad and sad. "Close your pretty eyes and just try to relax, I'll stay here until you fall asleep." I listen because Mommy said it's good to listen to what we're told. Grace doesn't stop touching my hair and I remember the one time Mommy did it and it made me tear when she stopped because she wanted to sleep.

I open my eyes again and I make a tear, I think it's only one and Grace makes a noise. "Oh, you break my heart." I don't want to break anyone. "Try again, close your eyes for me." I do, and my mouth doesn't smile. She sings a song I don't think anyone ever let me hear before, Mommy sang sometimes but never this one. It's about a Mommy loving a baby and watching it get older. Grace has a nice voice, and nice hair, just like Mommy.


	10. Shade Ten

**A/N: You're all great, again! Can't say it enough! But I feel like I'm posting chapters too quick :( So, to hold off my impatience, I've decided I'm going to try to post a new chapter after the last one has gotten 10 reviews. (let's see how long that last, I can't stop writing!) So the magic number looks like 61 for Shade Eleven. I'm hoping for 65, cross your fingers :).**

**Enjoy!**

When I open my eyes again the sun is back and Grace is gone. I don't know if I can get up yet, I don't want her to be mad. The bed is wet, and I don't understand how. Grace will be so mad, and I feel myself start to make tears. Carrick comes in, and I want to hide but I can't because his eye balls already saw me. "Hey, why are you crying? I was just coming to get you for breakfast." My head says no and he looks sad, "You have to eat, why are you crying, little man?" He comes closer to the bed and I'm so scared. When he sits down I can see he knows and I start to make more tears and noise. "Christian, you wet the bed. It's okay, you were probably scared." My head just keeps saying no, please don't tell Grace. "That's why your crying? It's okay, little man, we can wash them and put new ones on. It happens." He isn't yelling or hitting me, and he smiles. "I'll have Ms. Touhey change them, she takes care of the house. Come on, let's go eat." He gets up and waits for me to come too, and I never touched Carrick but I want to. As I walk by him, I touch his fingers like I touch Grace and he smiles. I hope he isn't mad, and I take my hand away. He stops and holds it out for me again, "It's okay." I stare at it and reach to touch it. It's not smooth or soft like Grace or Mommy, but it's still a nice hand. It's bigger too. His ring doesn't have a rock in it like I saw Grace's does. He as a clock on his hand too, a little one. I touch it and it's hard and soft at the same time. "It's a watch, it tells you the time and the date, and you can see how long it takes to do things and set it to tell you when it's a certain time," it's very cool. I like it, and I smile so he knows I do.

"We can get you one if you want, you can pick it out too," my head says yes and he looks happy and he starts moving again so I follow. Lliot and Grace are eating on a table and Lliot is talking a lot. Mommy told me about going to school, and said one day she would let me go. She says all the boys and girls go and learn, and I'm smart so I'll like it, she said. Lliot is talking about school, why does he go?

Grace looks at me happy, "Sit here, handsome. We have waffles, bacon, eggs, and juice just for you." I never got to eat anything like it before, and when I climb on the chair the food looks yummy. My stomach makes a noise.

"You like waffles too? I love them with syrup and butter," Lliot tells me, and he almost finished all of his. His eyes are staring at me and I don't know what to do. He jumps off his chair and comes and climbs on the one by me. I don't get scared of him, though. He takes the food from me and I wonder if he's going to eat it. "Here, you cut it into little pieces. Put syrup on it, and then some butter and put one piece at a time in your mouth." I watch him do it, and I bet Grace showed him how. He puts the food back by me and it looks like his does. I hold the silver thing and put a piece in my mouth. I don't look up because everyone is looking at me. It taste so yummy and my throat makes a noise. "Aren't they the best?" Lliot looks really happy and I look really happy too. "Try bacon too, and eggs. But drink juice first," Lliot helps me put the juice in a cup and bacon and eggs by the yummy waffles. It's all so good, and my head says yes at him so he knows I like it. I put more in my mouth, "Chew good so it doesn't get stuck." Lliot knows a lot, I wonder if he's old. His hand is on the table and it looks like mine and I touch his finger with my finger. He stays still, and I keep touching it.

"I like you Christian, I'm glad your my brother," he says, but he doesn't move his hand. I smile, I didn't know I was a brother. I don't understand what that means but it makes him happy and it makes me happy too. I never really saw anyone who is small like me, but he isn't as small he's a little bigger. Not as big as Grace or Carrick but bigger than me. In the between, sorta. I look at Grace and Carrick and they aren't staring at me anymore, but using words to each other. They look happy, are they happy because of me? "I have to go to school today, but when I get home can we watch T.V. or play soccer?" I know television is in my room, but I don't know what soccer is. I want to tell him I don't know, but I'll play so I just say yes with my head and he looks really happy. Making people happy is easy, I like it. I want them to like me and be happy. Lliot gets off his chair and takes his hand too, and I put more food in my mouth and drink like he said.

"Ms. Touhey is waiting outside for you, Elliot. Don't be late," Grace says. He gets a bag like the one Grace put my stuff in and kisses them both, then kisses his hand and touches my hand and smiles.

"Bye!" He runs really fast


	11. Shade Eleven

**A/N: You're all the best. I will post the next chapter at 85 reviews, that's the magic number!**

My pants are still kinda wet, but I don't want anyone to see so I try to get off the chair without them seeing me. Grace does, "You're sheets are already changed, Christian. Your bed is fine, did you change your clothes?" She knows what I'm thinking, always.

"Oh shit, I didn't even think of it," Carrick says and Grace hits his shoulder not really hard because he doesn't say it hurts.

"Language, and I'll run a bath for you Christian, go pick out some clothes and we'll wash those," Grace isn't mad, but Carrick must have told her because she knew without ever seeing. I don't understand how so much of this stuff keeps happening, but it seems to be part of living and they are okay with it, and so am I. I keep thinking of my old house with Mommy and Mean and cold peas and Blankie and Car when he had wheels. How long since I lived there? Do I ever get to go back? No one told me where Mommy went, but I want to know. What happened to Mean? My mouth frowns and I think it's because I'm thinking but I don't know what the answer is. I will never know the answer if I don't use words. I don't know why words are so hard for me when everyone else can do it, but I know I can. I can feel the words in my mouth sometimes and I hear them in my head, but I don't know how to make them sound like words. I go back to my room and open a drawer where Grace said they put clothes for me. Jeans, like the ones Jack and Lliot wear. A shirt with a dog like the one on the television last night. Television, I stare at the box and the glass is black. I don't understand how it works, or what you really do with it. Do you stare at it and it shows you things? The dog on the television last night didn't look real, everything looked made up and fake. I don't know why I'm angry that I don't understand but everyone else does. I want to understand and do things like everyone else. Lliot knows games and how to do the waffles by himself and he knows how to watch television and I don't. Maybe because he had Grace as a mommy, and I don't know why that makes me sad now too. I walk back to the bathroom before I start to make more tears and I stare at Grace.

She is sitting on the toilet by a big bathtub like the girls in my foster house did when they washed me. "The water is warm but not hot, don't worry." I don't know where to look so I look at the floor. "Put the clothes down, take those off and climb in." She sounds nice and not angry, but I don't know why I'm scared. I take off my shirt but don't look at her, even my pants without looking. She doesn't talk anymore and I try to climb in, and I do because I know how to because no one can help me without touching me. The water feels nice, it's hot but not hot like a light stick. "You can't stay in too long, we have to get you to your appointment, but I bought you these," she drops something in the water and for a second I'm scared but it just sits on the water and looks at me. It has eyes and is a weird shape but the same color as Car, than she drops two more, the same color as Sun and Blankie. I don't know if I should touch them.

"Those are ducks, rubber ducks. Real ducks like to sit in the water just like that, I can take you to the lake today and you can see them. These ducks aren't real but they float just like the real ones," she tells me. I touch the blue one, like Blankie. He's soft and squeaks when you push on him. I smile and do it again. "They are nice friends to take a bath with." My head says yes and I push the yellow one and he floats into the other one. I name the red one Lliot, the blue one Grace, and the yellow one Christian so I can remember them. I wish she had another to name Carrick. Maybe she'll give me another one sometime. "Use some soap and wash up, we have a long day." I do it like the girls showed me and Grace has a book thing and she's reading and I play with the ducks and wash. They talk to each other, and I listen to them use their words. They talk about swimming, and they swim really good. I like them, and now I have even more friends. I hope Car, Sun, and Blankie like them too.

I don't know how long it is before Grace talks again, "Time to get out, handsome. You can take another one tonight and play with the ducks some more." I get up and she puts out her hand. I stare at it, and touch it with mine and climb over the side of the bathtub and she puts a towel around me. I look at the ducks floating alone and they look at me. "You can play with them outside the water too, take them and your clothes and go in your room and get dressed. They can meet your cars." Grace knows Car, Sun, and Blankie will want to meet the ducks and so do I so I do what she says. I put on the new clothes in my room and put the ducks by the cars on the table and they are all friends right away. I like when everyone can be friends, I like friends. I wish Jack was my friend, he was the first one of all the people I know to not be my friend. He wasn't friends with Car either and I don't want to be friends with anyone who isn't friends with Car because he was my first friend and he'll always be my friend.

I let the ducks and the cars talk and kiss them all goodbye and go look for Grace. She's back in the waffle room, and all the waffles are gone. A lady is there with Carrick and Grace and I stare at her. "Oh, Christian, this is Ms. Touhey. She takes care of the house and helps us with whatever we need. You can talk to her if you need anything," I smile because it's nice to smile and it's funny because Grace said talk to her and I don't talk to anyone.

"Hello, Christian. You're a handsome young man, pleasure to meet you." I'm scared she's going to touch me but she doesn't, she just does this thing with her hand. I do it back and it's right. I think Mommy told me it was waving, and it can mean hello and bye. It means hello right now, but how do you understand the difference? She's cleaning the waffles off the plates and Grace is wearing shoes. Carrick is in really nice clothes and looks really nice.

"I'm off to work, little man. I'll see you when I get home," he's talking to me. He's looking down at me and I touch his hand and wave again. It means bye this time. He looks happy and he kisses Grace and it's weird. I think they love each other a lot. He goes away and I stare at the door.

"Don't worry, we'll see him real soon. It's just me and you for the day. We have to get back to the hospital though or we will be late." I don't understand why I have to keep going if I'm not sick anymore. I feel very good, I didn't know I was feeling bad before but now I know I was and I feel better. I want to tell Grace but I can't so I just follow her to the car.

They don't do tests on me, but Grace brings me to a big room and there are a lot of people, big like her and small like me. "Hello! You must be Christian." A lady big like Grace kneels by me and I back up. "We're very excited to have you here." Grace touches my hand and when I look at her, she's kneeling too. I'm scared she's going to leave me and never come back and I make one or two tears.

"I'll be here the whole time, buddy. They just want you to make some friends and learn some stuff," then her and the lady stand and use words like "therapy and level of trauma" but I don't get it so I look at all the other little people. They are using crayons like the ones Grace gave me and playing with all different things. They all have big people like Grace playing with them too. Are they their mommys and daddys?

"Come here, sweet heart. I want you to color something for me." Grace sits next to me and I sit at the little table and so does the other lady. There is a picture of a dog like on television and some crayons. I never got to use any of the ones Grace got me yet, and I see what other kids are doing but I don't want to. "Give it a try, see, it's fun." Grace and her take a crayon and color their own pictures of things that kinda look like a dog but aren't. I don't understand why and I don't want to. The lady is watching me but I just stare at the paper. "What color do you want your dog to be? Mine is blue, and your Mom colored her's pink." I stare at her. My mom? I only have one Mommy and I can't see her. I don't know where she is. Grace is staring at her too and she looks mad and sad.

"We need to talk," Grace sounds mad and I start to make tears because I miss my Mommy and now Grace is mad at me. I didn't know i could have two moms. The lady and Grace are talking not by me and I just stare at the stupid paper and the stupid crayons and I want to throw them but I don't. My tears are hot and salty, and then a hand touches my hair. I want to move back but it's Grace when I look up. "Come on honey, we're leaving," she is still mad and sad. The other lady looks mad and sad too but I don't understand. I don't understand a lot of things, but I really want to


	12. Shade Twelve

**A/N: Wow, passed the magic number already! As promised, here's another chapter. Magic number for the next one is 105 reviews, raising the bar! Anyway; these cute fluffy chapters are limited and soon Christian will be getting older and things will be changing. Expect Mia soon! and words even sooner!**

**I've also been thinking of writing a few one shots; and adding to my other two 50 Shade stories. Would anyone be interested in that? I was thinking of writing one where Christian gets the flu, and some one shots of him and Mia, maybe a few one shots with Mrs. Robinson. Any interest? Or anyone have anything they'd like to read? I'll try my hand at anything for you guys!**

**Enjoy!**

Grace takes me to a store and buys me more cookies and a book with a pen and she takes me to the park with the swings. There's lots of people there, big like Grace and small like me, and it's bright now so I can see it's a pretty park. She takes me to a wood seat with a table between the two woods and it's cool because they're one big piece. "So, I thought we could work on that writing so you can talk to us," she sounds happy again and I want to know why she was mad before. She opened the book and the pen and puts it by me on the table and opens the cookies and she takes one. I don't mind her having some too. "Do you remember any of what we wrote last time?" I write my name with the last name, her name, and A, B, C but I can't remember more. I frown and look at her, but she looks really really happy.

"Wow, you remember so much. You're such a smart boy, Christian." I'm glad she likes me, really really glad. She takes the pen and the book and writes more after my C and her letters are nice but mine aren't and she holds the pen easy but my fingers don't like holding it. "After C comes D, like Dog."

When she finally wants to leave my face is hot because the sun is so hot and I need water. The book has so much letters and words in it now and I remember a lot now, Grace taught me how to remember them easy. We ate all the cookies too, and I want more. I'm hungry. "It's lunch time, handsome, we can practice more later." She always knows what I think and I get up to follow her. I see the swings and I stare at them, I open the book and stop and sit in the dirt. "Christian, what is it?" I try to draw a swing with me on it and I hold it up to her. "You want to swing?" My head says yes, and she acts like she doesn't see and I remember she said no more head nodding so I write yes and hold it up for her. She looks really happy again. "You want to give them another try? Only for a few minutes because we have to make sure you eat your lunch." I go to the swing and she comes too, and she holds the book and I try to climb on. I wish Lliot was here to show me how he did it. Grace watches and I try but can't jump high enough, I feel like making tears. "Try stepping on my hand, so I don't have to touch you but you can be higher. Hold on tight," I stare at her and she kneels by me and I do what she says and I just jump on the seat. It goes back and forth and I'm scared but happy and I hold the chain really tight and stare at Grace. "I wish I had a camera, you look so cute," more happy faces, "Want me to push you?" I don't say yes or no with my head and she goes around and touches the chain by my hands and the seat moves. "If you want to go higher you have to hold on really tight, don't let go. It goes higher and higher and I see the sun and the sky and the clouds like Mommy said and I close my eyes and I understand why she liked it.

The seat is going by itself now and Grace is looking at me happy and I feel really happy and okay. I don't understand how it starts going lower by itself but it's cool, and it just kinda stops after she doesn't push more. "Oh, you have such a beautiful laugh." I laughed? I look at where all the other little people are on this thing with plastic and bars and Grace tells me, "That's a play ground, it has slides," she shows me with her finger, "Stairs, monkey bars, you name it. Elliot loves it, maybe I'll take you and him back here after dinner tonight if you want." My head says yes even though it's not supposed to because of the book but Grace doesn't seem mad. I slide off the seat and she walks back to the car and I follow and touch her fingers. She looks really happy when I do that so I think she likes it, and I like it.

We eat at a store she tells me is called Dunkin' Donuts and I get a bagel and juice and little balls that taste so good. Grace tells me she gets coffee and a bagel, but she won't let me drink coffee because it's hot but it smells yummy.

She takes me home and the dog is making noise again but I remember it's saying hello so I wave and I hope it knows I mean hello too. In the house I draw in the book and I wonder where Lliot is so we can play soccer like he said. Grace leaves the waffle room and goes in the other room and there is noise. It's a nice noise, and I go to see. She's on a wooden seat like, long like at the park, and a giant wooden box that is making the noise. I stare at it and I like the noise. "This is a piano, Christian. It makes music. Isn't it beautiful? Come here, you try." I climb up by her and watch what she does to make the pretty noise and it sounds like a song. I like songs, and I wish she'd sing words to it so it'd be even better but she doesn't and I still like it. "You try." She presses a white button and I press it, then she presses another one and I do the same one again. She does more and I do more. "Try to do it again from the first one." I only remember a few but she claps and she's happy, "You have a very good memory, I like it a lot and I want to do more but Lliot comes in with Ms. Touhey.

"Soccer time, Christian!" He drops the bag and runs fast to his room and comes back with a ball.

"Don't kick it in the house," Grace says and he holds it in his hands. I don't want to play with it anymore, I want to watch Grace play piano so I can play more too.

"Don't worry, I'll teach you more. Go play," Grace always knows! I smile at her and go with Lliot because I said I would and it makes him really happy.

He takes me outside but a different door to a yard like the one in the front by where the car lives. He puts the ball down and kicks it at me. It hits me in the leg and I fall but it doesn't hurt. "Sorry! Stop it with your foot, than kick it back like I did." I try and it doesn't go all the way to him but he comes closer and does it again. "So, in school today a girl threw up in class." He laughs and I smile because I don't know what to do, but I want to know more about school. "I had a math test too, but I think I did bad but don't tell mom." Don't tell mom? Grace? I say yes with my head, or nod because that's what Grace said it was and I kick the ball back. He tells me more about his school and it sounds nice and I want to go to school so I can have friends that throw up in class and a teacher that smells funny and a math test to do bad on. I don't even know what any of that means but I want to understand and maybe I can go to school with Lliot like in the bag he has because it looks big enough for me to hide in. Or maybe I can ask Grace, or Lliot can ask for me. Or I can hide, I liked that idea.

We eat dinner and Lliot shows me how to bite chicken off a bone without hurting my teeth on the middle. I'm allowed to eat normal people food now and I'm happy because it's yummy. Ms. Touhey made peas too but they are hot and steamy but I don't eat any because they make my belly hurt just thinking about them. Lliot puts milk in a cup and it tastes like the chocolate milk from Grace it makes me want cookies.

When the food is all gone I want to go back to the park. I get my book and show Grace the picture of the swing. Carrick sees too, "What's that?"

"Christian and I were learning how he can talk to us without words. We're working on writing and drawing so he can tell us what he wants," my head says yes and Carrick is happy too. Lliot comes to see and he laughs.

"That's the swings at the park! You went on?" My head says yes.

"I took him back and he wanted to try again, and he got on and loved it," Grace is happier than ever, and me too. I want to go swing with Lliot.

"Mom can we go to the park again?" Lliot asks, and he knows what I'm thinking too!

Grace and Carrick both nod, "Put on shoes and we can all go get ice cream and go to the park."

Lliot gets ice cream in a cone Grace says and I get what he gets because he knows whats yummy. Grace shows them how to help me on the swing and when I'm on Lliot pushes me and gets on his. He shows me how to move my legs to make it keep going high without pushing. We eat the ice cream and the swing seat goes back and forth and it drips on my chin but I don't care.

At home Lliot watches television and Grace shows me more piano music and I remember more of the song she taught me before. I keep playing it over and over and it makes me feel good, so good.


	13. Shade Thirteen

**A/N: Wow, one review over the magic number! I'm gonna go out on a limb here and make the next magic number 130. If it doesn't look like we're gonna make it, I will post anyway but I want to see how close we get! Things are starting to move along now, so expect more of Christian's past to be uncovered! Enjoy!**

I really like living with Grace and Carrick and Lliot, they teach me so many things. I can play the piano alone now, and Grace likes to sit on the couch and listens to me play. I can write better now too, and Grace corrects me every time I do it wrong. Lliot watches television with me and teaches me other games like soccer but are called baseball and football. I must have gotten bigger because I can hop on the swing by myself now, and make it move by myself too. I don't know how long it's been, but Grace flips the calendar like five or six times. I really love them, but they love Lliot more. I don't use words, and they just talk like I'm not there. Sometimes I sit through dinner and no one looks at me. I don't even use my book at dinner because I don't want it to get dirty. I spill my milk and juice a lot because sometimes Lliot laughs loud or something makes a loud noise and I spill it or it falls because my arm hits it. I don't make tears over it anymore because Grace said accidents happen but none of them make as many accidents happen as I do. Things spill because I spill them, things fall because I drop them, things break because I touch them. I dropped Grace's phone when she was showing me a picture and it fell and it broke the screen. Grace wasn't mad, or happy, she didn't really say anything about. She had a new one the next day though, so I didn't feel sad anymore. I broke a cup at dinner and Carrick asked Ms. Touhey to clean it up but no one else said anything.

At night I have dreams about sticky green rugs and Mean and Mommy and Blankie and Car and fires and screaming and crying. Mean is always hitting me and Mommy and she's dead and I'm dying. Grace explained to me what death was when I saw a dead bird by the park. I knew what she really meant, and I knew where my Mommy was then. She was with the bird. I wake up from those dreams and the screaming and crying I hear is actually me and the light is on and Grace or Carrick is in my room. They don't know what to do because I can't let them touch me but they want to and I just can't stop screaming. I can taste the peas and smell the light sticks and everything just makes me sick at night. I hate night time. They just sit there and look at me and they look tired and sad and I hate that I make them that way.

Sometimes at night I can't sleep and I don't know what to do so I go in the room with the piano and play music really quiet. Grace comes out and listens for a minute and then I put my hands down and stair at the floor. She's never mad though, sometimes she just goes back to bed or sometimes she comes to sit with me and listens to me play. I don't know how to read time yet so Lliot tells me what time it is and day of the week but at night when he sleeps I can't tell. I have to stay with Ms. Touhey most days though because Lliot goes to school and Grace and Carrick go to work so i just draw and play piano. Ms. Touhey makes me sandwiches and soup and I watch television but I like when Lliot comes home so he can tell me more about school.

My heart feels sad a lot, and when Grace brings me to the hospital and the doctor they talk to me and try to get me to tell them how I'm feeling. I don't use words but I draw pictures and the more they ask the more I dig the crayon into the paper. Grace tells me I'm frustrated and angry and she wants to help but I need to let her. I just stare at her and than stare at the floor. The lady doctor tells Grace she doesn't think I understand them, and that I need more help than this. She says words like 'emotionally underdeveloped' and 'unable to communicate'. It makes Grace angry and than I never see that lady doctor again and I see a new one. The whole way home Grace tells me she knows I understand and she wishes I'd use words and show that I do. I just stare out the window when she talks because I just can't. I want to tell her I can't talk and I never will. I have nothing to say.

Grace tells me it's my birthday, and it's weird because I don't know what that is. She says it's the day my Mommy had me and I don't know how she knows that because she wasn't there but she said it's time for a party. When Lliot comes home from school and Carrick and Grace come home from work, two more people come who they say are Grace's Mommy and Daddy, and my grandma and grandpa. They are nice people and they bring me a box wrapped like Grace used to give me and it has trains in it, and I'm happy because the cars and ducks will have new friends. Lliot gives me a soccer ball, and Carrick and Grace buy me a weird thing with two big wheels and two small wheels called a bike and they say they will teach me how to ride it. They sing me a song and bring me a cake after dinner and Lliot tells me to blow out the candles and make a wish. I think and close my eyes and blow. _I wish I wasn't sad anymore. _Now I get to be five and not four.

Grace flips the calendar more times and months go by. I don't talk still, and Grace still gets mad at the doctors. Lliot and I play a lot more together and he doesn't have school anymore for now so we play in the sprinkler and pet the neighbors dog. I learn so much from them everyday and they teach me new words and what things are all the time. I like drawing pictures of the new things I learn. Lliot teaches me how to do rolls in the grass and kick really high. He tells me about this girl that he likes, and she's ten but now he's only eight. He says she's his friends sister, and she's really pretty.

I want to tell him that I want to see her, but I just stare and listen. He said he hugged her once and she has pretty teeth and a nice mouth and really nice blue eyes. She sounds nice. I don't know any girls besides Grace, Ms. Touhey, the lady doctors, and the girls from the foster house who I don't see anymore. Mommy was pretty, Grace is pretty. So is the rest of them, but I don't know if I like them like Lliot likes that girl. Am I suppose to? He really likes her because when he goes to his friend's house he wears his not dirty sneakers and clothes and winks at me before he leaves the house. He spends a lot of time there now and less time with me.

I sit in my room a lot and stare at the television because I find it boring. Grace gets upset that I don't want to go outside anymore and Carrick always takes me to the park and kicks the soccer ball with me like Lliot does when he's home. Carrick asks me questions that I can't answer without my book but I can't draw and kick the ball so I just watch the ball. "Is everything okay, little man?" I don't talk, why does he ask?

Grace plays piano with me and she teaches me more pretty songs and I play them over and over, and some of them I play because I think they are nice but I never heard them before. Grace likes when I do that, she said they are my songs and I like that because nothing is mine. Grace seems to really love me when I play the piano because Lliot says it's dumb but she loves when I do it. It makes me feel special when Grandma and Grandpa and Grace and Carrick sit on the couch and I play them the piano. I feel like they hate me sometimes, but not when I play songs.

Grace flips the calendar more and more and I feel sadder and sadder because nothing is different or better. I still feel sad and Grace and Carrick love me less and less and Lliot goes to the girls house more and more and I feel so alone.

Grace sits me and Lliot down one night and tells us that there is another little girl who might need to come live with us and be our sister. Lliot seems really happy about it but I don't look at her because it doesn't matter to me. She asks me if that's okay and my head says yes and that makes her happy. She tells us that she'll be here in a few weeks tops, and I don't know if that's soon but I hope not because they will love me even less now


	14. Shade Fourteen

The girl doesn't come very fast, and Lliot keeps asking and asking but Grace keeps saying she doesn't know yet. She seems sad when she talks about her for some reason. I don't really play with Lliot anymore, I just sit and play piano all day and draw pictures of things I see. He goes to the girls house and he tells me he hugged her and he really really likes her. I don't like hearing it because I want him to stay and play with me. I hear Grace and Carrick keep talking about me going to school eventually, and I don't understand what they mean by a special school but they say I'm gifted. I want to ask what they mean but I just play the piano more instead because it doesn't really matter. Nothing really matters.

Grace flips the calendar again and I think life is very boring. I understand a lot more than I did when I moved in with them, and knowing what more things are and more words makes everything so much better. I wish I could say the words too, but I really just don't want to. I'm afraid if I use words everything will change again. Maybe they will love me more though, since right now I don't think they love me very much. I keep breaking things, and sometimes when I get mad I want to punch things and scream and hit people. I get mad because I just don't understand things and sometimes I feel like they don't see me because I'm little. I don't though, I just play the piano instead.

One night Grace tells me that the girl can't come live with us yet because she is a sick baby. Lliot asked her what kind of sick and she said she's only a few months old and her mom passed on what she had to the baby. It makes me sad to think that a baby even littler than me is sick. Is she sick like I was sick too? Lliot is mad because she can't come yet, but I understand because I want her to be okay even though I don't know her. Grace seems really sad about it and I touch her fingers when Lliot walks away. She looks at me and kneels down and I take a step back. "My handsome little man, I know you understand everything." How does she know I understand? I smile because she is smiling and crying so I guess that means happy tears. Her hand comes towards me and I take another step back because I don't know what she's going to do. She shakes her head and takes in a lot of air, "I won't hurt you, sweet heart. Just come a little closer," she sounds so sad, but so nice and I'm afraid to say no anyway. So I step closer a little, and her fingers touch my shoulder. I don't want her hand to move, off or anywhere else. My heart is getting louder and Grace just keeps looking at me.

"Christian, I hope one day you can get past all this and be a happy, wonderful little boy. You're already wonderful, and you're already handsome and bright, I just actually wish you were happy and would let us love you," I look at the ground and step back so her hand isn't touching me anymore. She shouldn't love me, I'm a bad little boy like Mean used to tell me. Grace is a nice lady and Carrick and Lliot are nice boys. They are all nice and wonderful and good and I'm bad. I don't look at her but I know she's still there. "All in good time, little guy." I don't know what that means.

The calendar flips again, and it's Lliot's turn to have a birthday. His friends come over and they are loud and crazy and I'm scared so I stay in my room and hope they don't come look for me. I hear him bringing them around the house and now they are by my door. "This is my brother's room, wanna meet him?" My heart is getting louder and I want to hide somewhere, but than the door opens. My head hurts and a bunch of boys and a few girls and Lliot come in. I've never seen so many littler people. One girl looks just like the girl he tells me he likes, and that must be her. She's pretty. "This is Christian," Lliot sounds really happy that they are there to meet me. I step back and want to hide under the bed.

They all keep looking at me quietly and I don't know where to go or what to do so I just look at the floor and back up more. "Does he talk or anything?" One of the other boys ask. I look at Lliot and he looks kinda mad.

"Not with words, but with pictures and stuff."

The boy keeps looking at me and comes closer, "What do you draw?" I step back and I can't back up anymore. I look at him than at Lliot.

"He doesn't like when people come too close to him, so you shouldn't. He draws what he sees and that's how we know what he wants," Lliot sounds really smart, but I don't want him to tell them.

"That's weird, why?" The girl I think Lliot likes says.

"You never even told me you had a brother," another boy says. I don't know who to look at. No one knows I'm here?

"Whose cars and ducks and trains?" Another one says and he goes to look at car. I get scared he's gonna hurt them and I look at Lliot.

"Why doesn't he come outside with us?" One of the other girls asks.

"Yeah he's kinda boring," the boy looking at car says.

"No, he's not. He's a lot of fun, he's just different. He's my brother," Lliot sounds mad, really mad and I want to disappear. "Don't touch his stuff."

I just keep looking at the ground and I can feel them looking at me.

"Elliot! Don't make Christian play with your friends, get them out of his room," Carrick is there now and I feel tears drip down my face.

"Why is he crying!" A girl says, I can't look up.

"_Now_, Elliot. Out," they all leave. Carrick is kneeling by me now but I don't want to look at him either. "I'm sorry, Christian. Elliot just wanted you to meet his friends, he loves you very much. He didn't mean to upset you."

I don't look up, I don't want to look at him or anyone else. Why and I weird and boring? Why don't they know I'm here? Why do I talk with pictures and stuff? I hate everything and my hand hits the bed before I can stop it. The tears on my face are really hot. Carrick grabs my hand and I make a noise in my throat and try to get away. "Stop, Christian. You can't act like this, I need you to communicate with me. Look at me," he doesn't sound angry, or happy or sad, just something else.

I do because I'm afraid he'll get mad if I don't, and I look at him but he still holds my hand. It's shaking. "You can't stay like this forever, Christian. We want to help you get better but fighting us and keeping yourself locked away and hiding isn't helping. We can't help you unless you want us to. We want to, we love you very much and we only want what's best for you. We're not going to hurt you, no one is going to hurt you anymore, you need to believe us." He sounds…nice. I'm not sure if it's nice or something else, but I just try to pull my hand away. I want to be like this. I don't want to talk or get better or get help or whatever they want. I want to be left alone. I make more tears and when he finally lets me go I want to hit him. I sniffle and now he looks sad. "I'm sorry I held onto you like that, I just didn't want you to back away. I really want you to be happy Christian, that's all."

I step back and I don't want to hear anymore, I want to sleep. It's still light outside but I just want to sleep, I beg Carrick with my eyes and look at the bed so he knows what I want. "Yes, little guy. You can lay down, do you want the television on and a cookie and milk?" I sniffle again and climb in and my head says yes. He gets me a cookie and milk and puts it on the table by the bed and turns on the television. I don't look at him anymore, I just push my face in the pillow and try not to cry more


	15. Shade Fifteen

**A/N: Hello loyal readers! Interest in this story has seemed to diminish in the last few chapters, but I am enjoying writing it so I will continue for those that enjoy it! Christian is 5, nearly 6 now. It will start to pick up again now, I have big plans for the rest of the story. Enjoy shade fifteen!**

The calendar flips and flips and every day is the same for me. I don't use words still, Lliot is with his friends more and more, and I stay in my room and draw and play with cars, ducks, and trains. Television is okay now, and I sorta like it. I like the piano more, it makes me feel better. Grace and Lliot were talking the other day and I heard Lliot getting mad because Grace said that while I'm still healing that people can't come over the house. I want to tell her that it's his house too and I don't want him to be sad, but I just listen from my piano bench and pretend that I'm staring at music on a page. After Grace told him, Lliot seemed to talk to me less. He doesn't come in my room anymore to ask me to play with him, and he is gone before I even get up. It makes me really sad but I don't really make tears anymore. I just play the piano when I'm sad. Grace still listens sometimes, but she doesn't really teach me anymore because I already figured it out. Sometimes she sings to my songs and her voice makes me sad too. Everything makes me so sad.

Grace is kinda like Lliot now. She spend a lot of time with a friend on hers that comes over and they drink things out of pretty cups in the kitchen and talk about me. They think I don't listen but I always do. Grace told me her name is Mrs. Lincoln. She's a nice lady, a pretty lady. When she first came over I was afraid, and when I went to go in my room Grace told me to come by her. I didn't look up, but I stood next to Grace by the door. "Christian, sweet heart. This is a dear friend of mine, Mrs. Lincoln. We've been friends for a very long time and I want you to meet her," Grace told me. The lady crouched down and handed me a box with a big happy smile.

"Hi, Christian. It's very nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you. I got you this because I heard you like cars," I look up at Grace and she nods and it's okay to take it. Grace tells me I'm supposed to say thank you but I don't have my book to tell her so I just smile and reach out to touch her fingers slightly. That means thank you, I hope Grace tells her. The lady looks sad and happy, and something else that I don't know. "Open it, honey." I do, and it's bigger cars that Grace told me are tucks, I see them on the street sometimes. I smile big and the lady laughs, "I'm glad you like them, handsome." I look at Grace because I want to go to my room and introduce them to everyone else and she knows.

"Go ahead, you can go play with them," Grace sounds happy and I wave to the lady and she waves back and I go to my room. She's a nice lady.

That was the first time I met her. She comes over a lot more but she doesn't really talk to me, just "Hi, Christian," smile and goes with Grace. I sit at the piano and pretend to read music but I listen to them talk. Grace sounds upset and sometimes she cries and Mrs. Lincoln talks. Grace says that she doesn't know what to do because she's never dealt with something like this and it's taking so much longer than she anticipated. I don't know what all the word mean, but I do know it's me even though they never say my name. Mrs. Lincoln sounds sad too and says that sometimes it's just a lost cause and that makes Grace sound even more sad. I want to go make sure she's okay but I just stare at the paper and pretend not to notice. Mrs. Lincoln tells her that maybe she should realize that things might not get better and that it's time to come up with a different plan. Grace says it's only been a little over a year, and Mrs. Lincoln says how does she know it will be better after a few years.

They talk about the sick girl then, and Mrs. Lincoln says it's probably a bad idea to have two at once, and Grace says the little girl needs a place to go and she doesn't want to give up on either of them. She says she can do this, and I think that I'm making this so much harder. I want to show them that I can talk and be a good boy and be smart. I play the piano really hard and the music sounds angry and choppy. They stop talking and when Grace comes to the door a tear runs down my cheek and I keep playing but I don't look at her. I'm angry at her for talking about me like I don't know that they are.

The calendar keeps flipping and nothing changes, except Grace tells me I'm turning six soon. In two weeks. A week has seven days, two seven days. More cake, I like cake.

Three days after Grace tells me I'm turning six in two weeks, Carrick and Grace are home and they seem really crazy. Grace sits me and Lliot down, and I'm surprised he's home. "Remember the girl I told you two about? Well, she's doing better and she really needs a place to stay, so she'll be here tomorrow." Lliot doesn't seem to care anymore like he did the first time, but I smile at Grace because I want to meet her and I'm glad she's not sick anymore. Carrick is on the phone and he's talking about delivering the baby furniture tonight for tomorrow. Furniture is like couches and beds and stuff, the baby gets all that?

I'm sitting at the piano while Ms. Touhey hums and cleans, the next day. Lliot is outside somewhere with some mean boy from his birthday that I don't like. Grace and Carrick open the door and Grace is carrying a really, really little person in some blankets and I'm too afraid to go over and see so I just sit there and stare. Ms. Touhey is excited so she goes over and gets really happy. Grace looks at me, and she looks happy. Was she that happy when she brought me home? "Christian, come here. I want you to meet your little sister, Mia." I go to her because I have to listen even though I don't want to. The baby makes a noise when Grace sits on the couch so I can see. It's small, "She's only a few months old. She's not sick anymore," Grace is very happy.

The baby has dark hair and big eyes but really little hands and a little body. I lean closer to look closer at her but her hand reaches out and I step back, "She doesn't know better, Christian." Grace tells me, so I step a little closer and gently touch the really small hand before pulling my hand back. The baby looks like it smiles kinda and I smile too. Her eye balls keep looking at me and I wave and she makes another noise, and happy one. I like her a lot


	16. Shade Sixteen

Mia is loud, but she doesn't use words, just like me. She cries all night and when Grace and Carrick go in her room, sometimes I go sit on the floor in the corner and watch them take care of her. She drinks out of a little thing called a bottle, and she gets cute little toys that play music and stuff. When she isn't crying, sometimes I stand by her cage bed thing and shake the toys and she makes happy noises. I touch her hand every day to tell her I love her. Lliot doesn't really like her because she makes a lot of noise, but I want to tell him that his friends make a lot of noise and they know better. Grace says Mia doesn't know words yet, but one day she will. I wonder if she will use them before I do.

A few days before my birthday, Mrs. Lincoln is holding Mia and I'm eating a waffle at the table with her and Grace. Mia makes a funny noise and I wonder if she likes waffles. "She really is beautiful," Mrs. Lincoln said, and Grace sounds happy.

"She is, such a beautiful baby," I nod but no one is looking at me, except Mia. She's always looking at me. Grace says it's because she loves her big brother already. I make faces at her and she makes a cute noise like a laugh but not a laugh. I showed her my drawings the other day and one day I hope she knows what they are drawings of. I drew her the other day and when I showed her she smiled big. Maybe she already knows. Mrs. Lincoln is over almost every day, but she doesn't pay attention to me and that kinda makes me angry. No one looks at me, only at Mia, but Mia always looks at me. She cries when she can't see me, so I always stay close. Sometimes I go and lay on the floor of her room and sleep by her cage bed, and when she's in the living room I play nice songs on the piano so she likes to hear the music. Grace loves when I play piano, that's the only time I think she really likes me a lot.

On my birthday, Lliot, his friend, Carrick, Grace, Mia, Mrs. Lincoln, Mr. Lincoln, and Ms. Touhey all sing me the song they sang me on my fifth birthday and the same song they sang Lliot. Grace tells me to blow out the candles and make a wish, and my wish is for them to all love me as much as they did when I got here.

We eat cake, and Lliot's friend is a boy I never met before. He's really nice though, he says 'happy birthday, Christian' and tells me his name is Tyler. When I go to my room he plays with my cars and stuff with me and Lliot and he talks to me even though I can't answer. I like him, and I wonder if he can be my friend and Lliot's friend at the same time.

I open my other presents and Mrs. Lincoln and her husband guy got me a toy plane, like ones that fly up in the sky only smaller. Lliot got me a cool hat with a car on it. Carrick and Grace gave me blocks to build a town for my cars and stuff to play in, and Ms. Touhey gave me a sweater to match the hat. Grace gives me a box from Mia, and when I open it it's a picture frame with a picture of her and another little boy. I stare at it, the little boy has kinda brown red hair, light skin. He's looking at Mia and they are smiling happy. I look at Grace, confused, and she looks sad. Everyone looks sad. "That's you, Christian. You and Mia."

I look back down and frown, that's what I look like? I never really thought about it before. I hold the picture and leave the kitchen and go to the bathroom. I close the door and climb on the toilet and lean on the sink and there I am. I look just like the boy in the picture. My eyes aren't blue or brown or anything, but like a weird color. My hair is kinda long and brown sorta and my skin is really white but my lips are pink. I stare at it in the mirror, than the picture in the frame. I don't know what to think. Is this how I'm supposed to look?

Someone knocks on the door and it opens when I look up. It's Mrs. Lincoln, and I climb down. I wish it was Grace. "You're a very handsome little boy, Christian. Don't worry about it." I want to leave but she's by the door, and when I look up Grace is behind her.

"It's alright, Christian," she says, and Mrs. Lincoln backs up and I walk to Grace and hand her the picture. I'm not sure what to do with it. "I'll find a nice place for it in your room, Christian. Mia just really wanted you to have it." If Mia wanted me to have it, then I don't mind having it.

When more days go by and I'm six, Mia is also older because she's kinda starting to walk and make noises that are more like words. I just sit and watch her while Grace talks to her in a weird voice. She still likes looking at me and I don't mind when she does even though I kinda mind when other people do. Mia touches me a lot, my hair and my face and my arms, and I don't move when she does but she doesn't hurt me. Grace was shocked the first time she did. She was trying to balance and fell kinda and grabbed my head. I made a noise in my throat but didn't move because I didn't want her to fall. She laughed and I held her so she didn't fall and Grace picked her up. "Are you okay?" I thought she was asking Mia, but when I looked up from the floor she was looking down at me. My head said yes and she smiled. It was weird having someone touch me like that, my skin tingled.

Grace says Mia is getting bigger, and so am I. I don't feel bigger though, I feel the same, still sad only now I'm angry and I don't know why. Mia doesn't make me angry though, she makes me happy. I love her. Mrs. Lincoln keeps telling Grace that nothing has changed and she needs to do something before it really is too late. She says time will take care of it, and I know they are talking about me still. Mia is sitting in a thing with wheels and looking happy so I show her her toys and listen to them talk at the table. This happens almost everyday and now Grace doesn't go to work at all because she took time off. Lliot isn't in school anymore because it's summer and he is happy because he can go with his friends more. I don't care if he goes because I have Mia to play with. Grace taught me how to give her a bottle and some weird mushy food on a spoon because that's all she can eat now. I help her eat sometimes when Grace lets me.

But Mrs. Lincoln keeps saying things like that to Grace, and it really makes me sad.

One day me, Grace, Mrs. Lincoln, and Mia are in the backyard and I'm playing with my trains this time and they are talking to Mia is looking at me while they talk and Grace keeps talking to her in a voice she says is a baby voice and saying my name to her. She keeps asking her to say it too. She does this all the time. She says momma, dadda, Christian, Lliot. I just listen and Mia makes noises but doesn't say the words. I wonder why Grace keeps trying.

I look up at Mia when she starts crying, and she's looking at me. "She wants you, Christian." Grace tells me and I get up and sit by her and she stops. Grace starts talking in the voice again saying the names and Mia makes a noise that sounds a lot like my name and I smile big and Grace and Mrs. Lincoln clap and make happy noises. Mia claps too and I do too so she knows I'm happy too.

"Mia," I say, and my eyes get big and everyone gets quiet, except Mia. I look at Grace and her eyes are really big, and Mrs. Lincoln's mouth is open. Mia just laughs. My voice, that was a word. I used a word. It just came out of my mouth. I remembered how to use words, but I'm not sure if I can do it again. I stare at the ground because they keep looking and I don't want them too. My word sounded so quiet and small, not like everyone else's words.,

"Christian, you just said something," Grace sounds confused but not really. "Oh Christian, say something else." I feel tears and I take a step back from them and want to run and hide in my room. My head says no and I feel like I can't breathe in air. "Oh, no, no, Christian. Don't cry, it's a good thing." My chest makes a noise and I choke and Grace gets up and I step back and look up at her. "Sweet heart, it's okay to talk." No, no more words. I step back again and turn and run to the house and back to my room. I hear Mia start crying again but I know Grace will fix her, so I keep running


	17. Shade Seventeen

Grace doesn't come looking for me right away and I just lay in my bed and stare at nothing until she does. I don't even want to look at her when she does come in. "Hey, sweet heart." Her voice is so quiet it's less than a whisper, but I still don't look at her even when she sits down on the bed. "Look at me, Christian." I do because I always have to listen. "Try to say something else for me, try really hard, baby." I stare at her and my heart starts pounding. Do I want to talk yet? My chest starts making noise and I can't take in air. Grace touches my face and I jump back but she doesn't let go. "Christian, we need to make some progress baby. Look at me, everything is okay." My head says no but she shushes me, "Say your name, Christian. Try, for me. For Mia, for all of us." I push my lips together and she holds my face and I'm shaking. She waits and a noise comes out of my mouth but it isn't a word. I don't remember how I said Mia before, it just happened.

Everything is hot and cold at the same time, but Grace just sits there and waits. Air is going in and out of my mouth fast and loud, and I can hear and feel my heart. It's very weird, I want it to stop. "Christian," my voice sounds terrible. It sounds like a whisper and a sore throat like Lliot had a few weeks ago. Grace closes her eyes and smiles and some tears leak out. I'm making a weird grunting noise in my chest when I breathe and Grace hushes me again.

"Oh my God, you're in there. You know how to talk, don't you? Just not how to get the words out?" My head says yes and she smiles sadly. "That will come, we will work on that. You did it, the hardest part, you can talk, Christian."

She seems so really happy and I want her to be happy because of me, so I try really hard and try to say Grace and it sounds weird but she knows what I said and she takes my hands, "I want to hug you so bad right now," and she laughs kinda. I smile and I wish she could hug me, but I'm too afraid to let her.

She lets me stay in my room because I really want to sleep now and she says she understands. She leaves the television on and shuts the door. Before I fall asleep, I hear her telling Mrs. Lincoln really loudly that she can't believe it happened and she knew that she shouldn't give up.

When I wake up, Carrick is there and he's sitting by my bed, he looks happy. "Hey, just came to get you for dinner. I heard you talked, I'm so sad I missed it." I stare at him and close my mouth tight.

"Hi," I whisper, and he smiles a huge smile at me.

"Oh, wow. Christian, that's so great. I knew you could do it," he pets my hair and I stay really still. "There is so much I want to talk to you about, this is great! Come eat."

At the table, everyone is there. Grace, Mia, Carrick, and even Lliot. "Bro, you talked to them before you talked to me? That hurts," he actually sounds sad.

"Sorry," I say, and his eyes get big and he smiles.

"That's really awesome," and I smile too. Ms. Touhey puts waffles in front of me and I look up at Grace. She said they are only breakfast food, and I can't eat them all the time even though I want to.

She smiles, "It's a special day, so you can eat whatever you want." I love waffles.

The calendar flips and I use words only sometimes still. One word at a time, a name, yes, no, and that's really it. I don't want to make a sentence. Grace tries so hard to make me but then I just stop talking. Mia likes when I say her name so I say it more than the other words. Grace takes me to a doctor that tries so hard to get me to use more than one word and shows me pictures of things and tries to get me to tell him things, but I won't. When I go there I don't talk at all. Grace gets mad at him after my fifth time meeting him and he says that I need more help than this and I never see him again.

Carrick takes me fishing and he teaches me how to catch them and I catch a small one and Lliot, of course, already knows how to do it himself and catches a bigger one. "Are you hungry, Christian?"

"Yes," I tell him when he asks. My voice doesn't sound so bad anymore, it sounds kinda regular but small, like me. Grace says I'm not so small anymore and that's kinda cool. Maybe when I started using words I got bigger. Mrs. Lincoln still comes over a lot and I always say hi to her so she knows she was wrong about me. She's kinda stopped paying attention to me, and I don't really understand why. It kinda hurts my feelings, and I want to tell Grace but I don't because it's her friend. Mia uses one word too, she talks like I do. We kinda talk to each other with our one words because she gets it when other people don't. I don't feel invisible anymore though, because now people can hear me so they can see me better. Grace brings me home a book about a car who reminds me of my Car and she helps me read it at night before bed. I only read one word on every page and she reads the rest.

Lliot's friend Tyler comes over with him again, and he's happy to see me too. When he says hi and I say hi back, he gets even happier. "Hey, you talk now, that's cool." Yeah, cool. He let's me play with them even though Lliot doesn't seem to want me to come. I don't care what he wants because Tyler is my friend now too.

The calendar flips again and Grace asks me if I'd want to try going to school like Lliot. "Yes," I tell her, because I always wanted to and now it's time for me to do what he does. Maybe he won't hate me as much.

"Cristan!" Mia squeals and she dropped one of her toys so I give it to her and she smiles happy. I kiss my hand and touch her cheek and she laughs and she likes that. Grace seems like she loves me again, and it makes me happy because for awhile I thought she stopped and would never start again. Maybe she was just waiting for me to use words, that changed everything. Grace tells me she'll set up the papers for me to go to school. I wonder what school is like. Lliot only told me things about the girls and the boys but never what they actually do when they are there.

"Mia," I say and she giggles and I make a face at her and she claps. I always make Mia happy. Sometimes I still sneak in her room at night and lay on the floor and she giggles. Grace told me I shouldn't because she doesn't get enough sleep on those nights but I like it so I do anyway.

"Mom, have you seen my green shirt?" Lliot says one night when I'm eating dinner at the table. He sounds angry, and I look up at him and Mia giggles. "Why are you wearing my shirt?" I look down at my shirt, well his shirt. I liked it, so I took it.

"Sorry," I shrug, looking at the floor.

"Mom, he can't just keep taking my stuff!" Grace looks shocked at how angry he, and I flinch. "Take it off."

Mia laughs and i look at her and at Grace and at Lliot, "Okay."

Lliot's face suddenly gets less mad and he frowns, "You can wear it, just ask next time." He leaves and I don't look away from where he went. He makes me sad when he gets like this.

"Mommy!" Mia yells and I hear Grace get up and put something down on Mia's little table attached to her.

"Mom?" I say without looking up, and then I realize what I called her. I turn and look at her quick and my eyes are big.

She looks really shocked, and I frown, "Sorry."

"No, Christian! No, don't be sorry," she smiles, "I wanted you to call me that, I just didn't know how to talk to you about it." I don't say anything else, I wanted to ask her why Lliot is like this now, but I don't know what to say now. Can I have two moms?

"Where is my mom?" I say it really slow, a real sentence and not just a word. I don't know if the question makes sense but I try really hard. I'm afraid to look up at her, and Mia makes a noise but I don't look at her either.

"Let me get Ms. Touhey to watch Mia, me and you can go to the park," Grace says very quietly, and she gets up from the table. I feel like crying


	18. Shade Eighteen

We go to the same park with the swings and stuff, and there are a lot of little people on the playground, but Grace takes me to the seats from the first times we were here. "Christian, I love you very much, and no matter what I'll never replace your mother, but I hope you can love me like you love her," she says slowly, looking over at me. I can see her looking at me but I'm not looking at her, I'm just watching the other little people play. Do I love her like I love Mommy? Is that possible.

"Christian, you're mom was very sick," I figured that out, she was the reason I was sick too. Grace takes in a lot of air and tells me everything. She starts by telling me that my mom loved me a lot. She said no one knew we were in there or they would have came sooner. She said that because my mom was so sick, she couldn't stay alive anymore.

"She died," I say, that's what it means when something isn't alive anymore. I don't look at her, but I know she's looking at me, "I'll never ever see her again."

"No, Christian. You won't. We did find a few pictures of her though, from when she was younger. When we found out your name we managed to find out her's too. I can get the pictures for you if you want." I don't answer yet because I don't know what I want. I want her to tell me more.

"She did drugs," I tell her, because it's all coming back to me now. I remember Mean and mom yelling because she didn't want him to give me any, and he said if she didn't do what he wanted he would. I remember her crying when he put the sharp thing in her arm, and now I get it. Now it all makes sense.

"Yes," Grace's voice sounds sad, and I look up at her. "I'm sorry you had to go through that, so very sorry. I wish I could make it better, but I can't make it go away. I can make sure you live a happy life from now on, if that's what you want." I keep staring at her, because I've been with Grace and Carrick and Lliot for so many calendar flips now, and I never realized that they are my family. Mom was my real mom, but Mean and Mom were never really my family.

"The man, what was his name?" I ask her, and she doesn't get it.

"What man?"

"The guy with the drugs and the one who had jobs for her all the time, the mean one." His name can't be Mean, it was a nickname. I want to know his real name.

Grace looks confused kinda, "I didn't know there was a man, Christian. When someone called 911 they didn't give a name, and when the Cops got there, no one was there."

I look away from her and back at the playground with the little people. The man who called them had to be Mean. I remember the way he looked at me when he asked me what happened to Mom that day. He kinda looked sad for a second, then mad and he left. He called them. "Was he my dad?" I never knew there was a Mom and Dad until I met Grace and Carrick, I only thought we had Moms.

"We're not sure, we don't really know who your Dad is," she says, and that makes her more sad. I never met him, so I don't care. "I'm going to look more into who he was for you, and I'll try to find you the pictures of your Mother."

I say yes with my head and bite my lip, "So, you're my mom now." I'm not asking, I'm just thinking about it. I wonder if that's what she really wants.

"Well, I'll never replace your real mom, but I will take care of you and love you like she did." She didn't really take care of me, I want to tell her. "If you want me to, of course. If you don't, you can keep calling me Grace and nothing will change. I love you either way."

I look at her for a while, and smile kinda, "I want you to be my mom." That makes her happy and she smiles big and leans towards me, I back up and she forgot and she looks a little less happy but touches my hair.

"And I want to be, thank you," I don't know why she's thanking me. "Can I ask you a few things?"

I say yes with my head, but I look away from her. "Why can't I hug you?" She doesn't sound mean or angry, just that she wants to know.

"No one can hug me," I feel angry suddenly. "It doesn't matter, just don't touch me." I look at her and she can see I'm angry because she looks away from me.

"Okay, I understand." I remember when I hurt myself and showed her my chest and she saw the marks from Mean and I know she knows. I know all those doctors and people know, and the ones that found me. They all know my secrets.

"I want to leave," I say kinda loud, and my heart is getting loud again. A lady walks by and looks at me with a little person who looks at me too, she kinda looks like a bigger Mia. Grace is looking at me, and I'm hot and cold at the same time.

"What's wrong?" I get off the big seat.

"I want to leave," my chest hurts and I want to go to bed and sleep. I want to see Mia and I want to sleep. Grace gets up too and I follow her to the car. I get in before she can help and I bite my lip so i don't have any tears. Why? She get's in but she just drives, no singing or music or talking. I'm happy she doesn't because I don't want to hear anything right now. I wonder what my Mom would say if she knew all this.

When we get to the big house we go in and I go to my room because I don't want to do anything else. Grace comes too and she brings something from her room with her. It's the picture Mia wanted me to have. I hear her in the other room with Ms. Touhey laughing and I hear her say my name real loud. Grace watches me take off my shoes and sit on the bed. She puts the picture on the little table by my bed and I stare at it. "Mia is pretty." Grace smiles and sits down too.

"Yes, she is a beautiful little girl." I get up because I don't want to be around Grace anymore. I don't want to be around anyone, except Mia because she's my friend. I go to where Mia is laughing and she makes a loud noise and I smile big at her and go sit next to her.

"Cristan!" I take her toy from her and hand her another one and I make them play together the way she likes. Grace comes out and looks at me, but she looks really really sad, then she walks away


	19. Shade Nineteen

**This update is dedicated to the many readers who continued to review even though I was a terrible author and didn't update for so long. It's dedicated to the people who took the time to check back for updates, found none, and checked back again. It's dedicated to the people who took the time to PM me and ask about the story, and the people who asked to write one shots about my plot line. It's for the people who took the time to read at night and looked forward to reading more, even if they didn't review. The amount of incredible feedback I've gotten from this story is incredible and I really love each and every one of you. In my real life, I don't feel like I ever do anything that makes any sort of an impact. I don't feel like I do anything interesting or right. The feedback I get from this story makes me feel like I actually do something right, somewhere in the world. It gives me hope that one day I'll be able to do it in the real world someday. So I thank you ALL for everything, and as a writer and a person who has lost all interest in the world, you've all given me the best gift I could receive. Now, no more sappy stuff. I can't promise regular updates, because my life is crazy and doesn't allow for it. But I promise to not keep you waiting as long. I hope you enjoy shade 19!**

More days pass and pass and nothing is any different. Mia is a little bigger and she's more fun to play with. She still laughs a lot, but I like when she laughs because then I know she's happy. Grace and Carrick keep having those talks where they think no one can hear but I can hear what they say. Me and Mia are in the living room playing with her toys and I hear Grace talking and she sounds sad. Everyone talks sound sad now. She says something about Lliot and me and Carrick sounds like he gets mad because he makes a noise in his throat and says something quiet. I can't hear the words but I can hear that it isn't a nice talk. I get a little sad and Mia doesn't care because she laughs and throws a block at me. She always throws things and I hope she doesn't do it when she's bigger because it will hurt more.

Lliot still isn't home and it's not light outside the windows anymore and like he knows I'm thinking about him, he comes in the front door. It makes a loud noise because he does it hard and I flinch because I hate when he does that. Tyler is there too, and I smile big when he comes in because I like him and he still likes me even though Lliot doesn't. Lliot doesn't say hi but Tyler walks to me and sits on the couch near me. "Hey, Christian." I turn and sit so I can see him.

"Hi," I think for a second on how the letters would sound coming out of my mouth like they come out of everyone else's, "Tyler." He smiles again and reaches a hand up in the air. I flinch back a little but he doesn't move his hand.

"It's a high five, you just slap hands. Friends do it, it doesn't hurt." I saw him and Lliot do it before when they get happy so I reach forward and do it like I saw them do. He moves his hand down, "This is a low five, they are better than high fives." I do it again and he laughs. "You're pretty cool Christian."

"Cristan!" Mia says loud and squeaky like she does when she wants someone to look at her so I turn around again. Tyler gets off the couch and sits on the floor and it makes me happy but I don't tell him.

"You should play soccer with Elliot and I one of these days," Tyler says, and knocks over Mia's blocks she put on top of each other and she laughs and claps.

I don't know what words to say back, but I want to. He looks a little sweaty sort of how Lliot looks after he plays soccer in the back yard and I wonder if that's what they have been doing. "Yes."

"Maybe when we're done practicing for the finals he can, but not before," Lliot is by the door between the kitchen and the living room. He looks like he ran a lot, but he looks sort of mad and I wonder if it's because Tyler is talking to me. "Come on man, my parents said you could sleep here." He doesn't talk to me anymore and he goes down the hall away from where his room is. I never go anywhere in the house besides the kitchen, my room, the living room, Mia's room, and the bathroom. It's too big and it's scary to walk in by myself so I only go when Grace takes me. There are a lot of places for sitting and stuff and a place where Carrick has all his books and stuff he does for his work. I like my room best, and Mia's room is pretty too.

Tyler gets up off the floor and puts his hand down for a low five, "Goodnight." I do the hand thing back and wonder why they aren't going to sleep in Lliot's room.

I don't want to play anymore but Mia does but I don't have to because Grace comes in then. I look up at her, "Bed." She looks sad but bends down to pick up Mia who makes a noise and hugs her.

"It's time for Mia to go to bed too, say goodnight to Christian." Mia laughs and waves her fingers at me and I do it took because she laughs when I do.

Grace takes Mia away and I get up to go to my room when Carrick comes in too, "Christian, come sit down for a minute." I feel scared for some reason but I do what he says because I have to listen. I stare at Mia's blocks and he sits next to me. "We really need to work on you talking so you can go to school, and so you can communicate with us so we know how you're feeling. You need to tell us how to help you." He sounds sad like Grace and I swallow something in my throat because I can feel my heart getting loud like it does sometimes. "Look at me, Christian." He doesn't sound mean, just sad but I don't want to listen. I don't want to look at him and I don't want to talk more or have people talk to me or have people touch me. His hand touches my cheek and tries to turn it to look at him but I make a noise in my throat and I jump off the couch. He didn't do it hard but it still hurt but I don't think he wanted it to. He gets up too and I back up from him. "Calm down Christian, I just want to talk to you. You need to work on getting past this. It has to change, it can't be like this forever."

I can hear my heart getting louder and I back up more and I hit into the wall and I can't back up more. My throat makes funny noises and I feel tears and I haven't felt them in a long time. I don't want to change, I can't. He takes a step closer and even though he isn't being mean the noise in my throat gets really loud and his face gets even sadder. Grace comes back really fast and she looks sadder too.

"Carrick, just step back from him. Christian, look at me. You're okay." Grace sounds nice but I don't want to look at her, and I don't feel okay. Another loud noise and my legs feel like they don't want to stand up anymore and I can't get air. "What happened?" Grace is talking to Carrick but I still can't calm down and my legs stop working and I'm on the floor. "I just asked him to sit down so we could talk, and when I said things needed to change he lost it." I feel like my insides are breaking and I don't understand what is happening. Everything was okay and then it just wasn't. Grace is near me and she has her hands by me but not touching me and I know she wants to. She has tears now too and that makes me have more tears. I made her have tears like I made Mommy make tears. I wonder where Mean is and I shut my eyes because my head hurts. I see Mommy when I close my eyes so I open them again, and my hand grabs my hair really tight and it hurts but I don't stop. Hands touch me and the noises in my throat getting louder and I try to get them off but I can smell Mean's light sticks and I'm afraid he'll touch me with it and it will hurt.

"Christian, please for the love of God, look at me!" Grace is holding both my hands really tight on the floor and I can't move. Carrick is near my feet holding them on the floor too and I don't remember them doing it. Air is going in and out of me really fast and I don't want to close my eyes. I feel really sad and try to move my hands. Grace is looking at me with more tears and I try to move them harder but she doesn't let them go.

"Mom?" The word comes from my mouth, but it doesn't sound like me. It sounds weird, but Grace finally let's go and more tears are coming out of her and I feel so sad I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know why, but I sit up and throw my arms around her neck as hard as I can and my tears get on her neck. I cry more but I don't let go, I don't want to. Her hands take a while but they touch my hair and her mouth kisses the side of my head.

"I'm here Christian, it's okay."


	20. Shade twenty

**It's been a long time coming, I don't know if anyone is even still interested in reading more of this, but I figured I'd add something to it. It's a change of pace to move things along, and now the story will start being told about events we know about, filling in the blanks of a time closer to what Christian talks about in the books. Let me know if this is still an interest and if anyone would like me to continue, if it still has any fans I love each of you who waited all this time for an update. I'm sorry for letting you down, but I did promise to add more, so enjoy Shade 20!**

It's been a long time since that panic attack, and there's been many more after it. Even now, I'm thirteen and I still have panic attacks. After that night, Carrick and Grace decided they needed to push the process along. Many more doctors and panic attacks later, I kinda talked in full sentences. The first one I used was in the car after a visit with the eighth one.

_"You know, Christian" Carrick explained from the front seat, "If you started showing us you wanted to get better, we could stop the speech therapy."_

_After all the time of refusing to say words, it was okay for me to finally say something "I don't like the doctor."_

_Grace nearly drove the car off the road in her rush to pull over and Carrick's mouth dropped open. "Christian, say something else."_

_For the first time ever, little six and half year old me was tired of being treated like a baby, "I know how to use words, I just didn't want to."_

Everything changed after that. They had looked at each other in shock for a moment before driving the rest of the way home in silence. I heard Grace on the phone later that night when I was sitting at the piano bench.

_"I swear Elena, he just started speaking. He used a complete sentence, and he told us he knew how to all along, but he just didn't want to." I heard her say it, and started playing again. _

I didn't understand what was so great about talking then, and I certainly don't understand what's so great about it now. The year after that I was in school, and it wasn't like Elliot had said. It was a school for "gifted" kids. Those kids could hardly color a picture inside the lines.

"They make me feel stupid," I told Grace, "I want to go to school with Elliot." Carrick and Grace looked at each other, and told me I could go to the middle school Elliot went to when I was old enough. I didn't understand why they did that, either. Until now. I'm in the same middle school, and one of the doctors suggested it was best for me if I take the bus, stay after school for clubs, and sit in regular classes. The work itself was easy, the teachers hardly assigned anything. But the kids aren't like the kids in my old school. I don't know who told them about my life, but they all know. On the bus ride to school, these three older boys all sit by me and ask me what it was like to live with a serial killer. I don't know who they're talking about, Mean and my mom weren't serial killers. This girl in my first class calls me a freak because I don't talk a lot, and I always wonder if she knows I went to a special school for gifted kids because I didn't talk for so long.

One day, walking into the cafeteria, a boy bumped into me and I screamed. I didn't mean to, it just happened. He told everyone, and they started thinking it was fun to try to make me scream again. I try really hard to sit down and be quiet, the teachers are nice to me and they like me, but I wish I had a friend. I see all the kids walking around together and sitting together and talking and no one even tries to talk to me. When they do, they say mean things. I think that's why Grace and Carrick didn't want me to go to school where Elliot went, I think they knew the kids would hate me. I don't understand why they do, they don't even know me. No one even tries to be my friend, and I think they might like me if they did.

I hate Grace and Carrick for sending me to the special school, maybe if I went to normal school from the start they wouldn't think I was a freak. I hate them for sending me here now, especially if they knew everyone would hate me. I hate the teachers even though they're nice to me, because I know they've heard the other kids say mean things to me and they don't even try to stop it. They just like me because I always know all the right answers to their questions in class. Then when I answer them right, this kid in my class always whispers "teachers pet" and I don't even know why. I hate Elliot too, because he sits in the lunch room at the table with the older kids and he sees people be mean to me and he doesn't say anything. He doesn't even say hi to me, it's like he isn't even my brother.

I found out you can go the library instead of the lunch room for lunch time, and no one is ever there so I go sit behind the bookshelf and read. The lady at the desk always smiles at me, and she knew my name the first time I came in, and she was still nice. She's always been nice, she's my favorite. Everyone seems to know my name before they even meet me, and I wonder how and what they say.

I had to pick a reading buddy for one of my classes, and no one asked me to be theres and the kid left at the end asked "Can we have a group of three?" and he gave me a mean look. I didn't say anything, I just started reading on my own and answering the questions. I don't like partners.

When Grace and Carrick ask me how my day went when I go home, I never tell them. I don't want them to be angry that I hate it and I want to go back to the special school. I don't want to see more doctors because I can't make the other kids like me. I don't want them to think I'm a freak because no one talks to me. "It's good, I like the book in English class." That always makes them happy, but Elliot will look at me and I look at him in the eye and I know he knows I'm lying. I wonder if he'll ever say something, I hope not.

When I go see my psychologist doctor, he asks how schools going too. He kinda answers his own question though. "How are you doing in school? Your parents say you're getting straight A's and no phone calls home, you seem to be adjusting well." I just nod and smile, no one has to know the truth. My whole life is a lie, why not add one more to the list.


	21. Shade Twenty-One

**HAHAHA, that was hysterical I'm dying. Long story short, my friend wouldn't get off my laptop so I said "Fine, just post the next chapter to my story on the site and you can keep using it." AND THEY POSTED THE HANNIBAL CHAPTER TO IT. haha, I apologize so hard everyone. For those of you who freaked out and sent me a messages and acted rudely about it, calm yourself it was OBVIOUSLY an accident. "What the fu*k who are these people?" Hannibal is obviously Hannibal Lecter, and it's obvious it was for another story, and it was obviously not done on purpose. Seesh, tough crowd. Now that you saw part of that story though, you should go watch Hannibal and then read that one. Do it! Sorry again everyone, now for what was SUPPOSED to be posted-**

**Hello everyone, once again your wonderful reviews brought me back to write more. I swear, I'm a FF reader that HATES when a writer takes so long to update, or worse, stops updating all together. I hate that I've become on of them, and I'm sorry I hope you all forgive me. I am thankful people are still taking the time to read and review after all this time, you're all great. On a side note, I'm not sure if anyone is into this kind of stuff, but the new television show Hannibal? Anyone watch it? If so, PM me because I need some people to talk with about it. It's not big yet, but if you're into that kind of stuff, give it a try!**

**Enjoy shade 21!**

I get really good grades, kinda because I don't want anyone to know that I hate school. I know if I do the work and get things done, summer vacation will come around and I'll be free. I remember in the special school how all the kids would cry and throw fits every day because they couldn't make their block towers stand up. I don't want to call them stupid because everyone is different, but the whole time I'd be in the corner reading while everyone tried to calm down. One of the teachers would always come sit with me and ask me why I never wanted to play with all the other boys and girls. "I want to read," I would tell her, and I'd want her to go away. Really, the kids in those classes drooled on themselves and put things in their mouths, some of them couldn't talk and not because they just didn't want to. One of the girls in that class used to hug everyone, and she would try to hug me until the teacher would tell her I didn't like it.

_"I want to hug him because he's my friend!" Her voice was loud, and then she started making tears. I didn't want her to make tears, but when she looked at me I just backed up because I was scared she would hug me. "Why don't you want to hug me and be my friend?" I didn't talk to kids, only adults because it was rude not to answer them. I just looked at the ground when she asked me, and she kept making tears and I just wanted to go home and play piano._

I remember the teacher called Grace and said that I refused to interact with the other kids, and when Grace asked me I told her, "They try to hug me, they make too much noise, they're messy, and they cry a lot." That was when her and Carrick decided it was time for me to go to school where Elliot went as a 7th grader. I had to take a test to see what level I was on, and they said I was right where I should be, if not above it. But to play it safe I started school as a 7th grader. These kids here were the same age as the ones in the special school, and now I see why those kids couldn't come to school here. The problem was, I didn't belong in a special school and I don't belong here either.

Grace keeps asking me to have one of my friends over for dinner, or that she can pick them up and take us somewhere. I sorta told her I had friends, and Elliot heard it and looked at me but didn't tell her the truth. Elliot doesn't talk to me anymore. Mia sits and tells everyone about her best friends in her elementary school, Elliot has most of the same friends he's always had, and then there's me. Mia started in normal school and everyone likes her. No one calls her names or tries to make her cry. I listen to her talk and when her friends come over, they always do the same thing. She tells them I'm her older brother Christian, like I'm really interesting and she's proud to tell them. Then the other little girls laugh and wave and whisper to her really loud that they think I'm cute. She tells them it's gross and they laugh. I think they're cute too, but little girl cute. Like how I think Mia is cute. Her friends always tell me they need help with their homework and it's very easy so I think they're lying, but I sit with them and help them anyway. They're kinda my friends, but not really because they're a lot younger. Elliot has a group of friends that he's always with, they're all on the football team with him. He still has his best friend though, Tyler. I like Tyler a lot, Elliot would get mad if he knew this but Tyler is my friend. In school, Tyler is in one of my classes and he sits next to me and talks to me. When he comes over the house is the only time Elliot even talks to me. He even lets me play with them, and Tyler is on the football team too and he taught me how to throw the football.

"You throw pretty well, you should try out for the team," Tyler told me. Elliot laughed.

"Someone would tackle him and he'd cry because they touched him," Tyler didn't say anything after that. I knew Elliot was right, but it was nice of Tyler to say. I would never actually join the team, I don't know why Elliot had to be so mean.

When Grace and Carrick give me a chance to talk after Mia and Elliot, I don't have anything to say so I lie. I tell them about boys in my class but instead of them being mean to me, I tell them they're nice and I sit with them at lunch and we talk in class. That makes them happy, even though Elliot looks up at me and then looks away. Mia tells me her friends really like me and they have a school dance coming up and he should be all of their dates.

"You're all too pretty to be my date," she blushes and giggles, and out of everyone in the world I still love Mia the most.

Turns out, my school is having a dance too. All the girls are at Elliot's table with the cool eighth grade boys trying to ask them to come. No one is sitting down that day so I can sit at an empty table and eat some lunch and read. I don't want to go to a dance, and I don't expect anyone to ask me about it. Until someone sits across from me.

I look up, and it's a girl I've never seen before. She has long blonde hair in a ponytail and the end of it is dyed red. Her face has red marks on it and her eyes are greenish and she wears sneakers and a hoodie and jeans. She doesn't look like the girls at Elliot's table, but she's still kinda pretty. She's prettier than those girls, I think.

"Hi, Christian," still everyone knows my name without me telling them, "I'm Amanda."

I smile sorta and put my book down and glance around the room, no one is even looking at us, "Hey."

She looks kinda nervous but she smiles anyway, "I know this sounds dumb, but you know that dance coming up?"

I nod and smile again, "Yeah, it's tomorrow."

Her face gets even more red, "Well, I'm sure you're already going with someone, but if not or whatever do you maybe want to go with me?"

I stare at her, too surprised to say anything. Her face looks more and more sad the longer I'm quiet, and I'm afraid she'll cry. She's the first person to sit with me, talk to me, and certainly the only person to ever ask me to do anything with them. I look up at Elliot's table, and no one else is looking but Elliot is. He winks at me and smiles, and that's the first time in forever he's even acted like he knew me. "Sorry I asked, hopefully we can be friends now at least." She goes to get up, and I look back at her and she isn't looking at me anymore.

"Wait Amanda, sure I'll go with you," the look on her face was enough to make me mean what I said. I'd never made someone smile like that.

"Wow, okay. I even bought a skirt, we can meet here tomorrow when the dance starts. Right at this table?"

"Yeah, I'll be here. Thanks for asking," she gets up then and walks really fast away. I smile kinda.

At dinner, Mia is talking and Elliot just interrupts her, and Mia hates that. "Christian got asked to the dance." Grace and Carrick looked surprised, and everyone looks at me, even Mia forgives the interruption.

"My friends are going to be so sad," she says.

"What did you say?" Grace asks, and I've made her happy too.

"I said yeah, and I'm going to meet her at the table we sat at today."

Carrick grins, "Thirteen years old and a girl is asking him out, no one asked me out at thirteen." I want to tell him girls are always asking Elliot out, but he looks really proud of me so I don't say anything because I've made him happy too. Everyone's happy, except me. I don't really want to go at all, especially with someone. It's too late for me to change my mind now though.

"We have to buy you a button down shirt to wear, let's go after we eat," Grace says, and she's still smiling.

"Oh, oh, let me come!" Mia yells, "I'll help him pick a nice colored shirt, a purple one will look so nice!"


	22. Shade Twenty-Two

**Hey there everyone! Here's shade number 22. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and messaged me, as always I appreciate and adore each of you. This shade is specifically dedicated to Smileywritergirl, who took the time to message me kindly when I was having a bad day and who I promised I would have a chapter up by the end of the weekend. Enjoy!**

As excited as Mia is to dress me, I quietly asks Grace if it would be alright if I didn't go pick out the clothes with them. "Why?"

"I have some homework to do," and she knows I'm lying but she lets it go.

"Christian! Why wont you come so I can make sure you look handsome in the shirt before I pick it!" Mia stomps her foot in front of me and Grace tries to lead her out the door.

"Don't worry, Mia. I'm sure whatever you pick will be perfect, purple sounded great." She's still angry, but she follows Grace outside to the car.

I'm wishing he never said yes to this, and I look at the clock and imagine that I'll be getting ready for the dance at this time tomorrow. I take a seat by the piano, playing to ease the anxiety that's taking over my mind. The music calms me a little, and I close my eyes and play for a bit. I try to breathe air nice and deep, but the feeling doesn't go away completely. I've been playing for almost half an hour when I hear someone behind me. Carrick is behind me, I can feel him there, but I don't turn around and look at him until he's sitting on the bench next to me.

"I'm surprised you agreed to go with that girl," he says, and I don't stop playing and I hope he'll get that I don't want to talk. "You're going to have a really good time, I'm sure she's very happy you said yes."

"She was happy," is all I can say, because I don't see how I'll have a good time. He sighs next to me, and I continue to let my fingers breeze over the keys. He sits quietly and listens for a minute. I know he wants me to say something else, but he gives up and gets up and leaves the room. Elliot takes his place next to me a few minutes later, and I still refuse to stop playing.

"Are you gonna kiss her?" I'm surprised he's over here, talking to me. I was sure he hated me.

"No."

He nudges me with his elbow and I finally stop playing, staring down at the keys. "You should tell them, you know. What's really going on in school."

My hands ball into fists and fall from the keys and into my lap, I don't look up at him. I don't want to see whatever look is on his face, "No, leave me alone."

"There's nothing wrong with having no friends, they can maybe help you make some. You're being picked on."

I finally turn to face him, and I'm angry that after all this time of ignoring me and seeing them pick on me, he just comes and sits here and acts like he cares. "I don't need their help, and I don't need yours either. You know they pick on me and you do nothing about it but sit with all your stupid friends and act like you aren't my brother. Leave me alone." I want to go back to playing, but he grabs my hand when they go to drift over the keys again. My face is hot and I feel like I'm going to start crying, out of anger. Angry tears.

"If I say anything, they'll pick on me too," he says, and it makes me even angrier.

I pull my hand from his, and before I know it, my fist connects with his cheek as hard as I can. He's only shocked for a second before he pushes me off the piano bench and onto the floor. I want to lay there, but I get up and jump at him. I'm screaming and I don't even know why, but I want to hit him and hurt him. I want him to know what it feels like when everyone is mean to me while he doesn't help me. Elliot is standing up when I jump at him, and he's bigger and stronger than I am. It happens really fast, and next thing I know he's holding me down on the couch and I'm screaming louder. Carrick is standing behind him then, and I claw at Elliot and try to bite him. I can't breathe, he's touching me, he's holding me still and I can't move. I'm gasping and kicking, and Carrick is holding both sides of my head down and I try to turn and bite his fingers. I taste blood in my mouth and my tongue burns, and I think I bit it but I don't care. Elliot wont let me go, and they're talking to me but I can't hear what they're saying. I don't want to hear, I want them to stop touching me so I can breathe.

"Christian, you have to calm down," Carrick is yelling now, and Elliot's grip on my wrists is so tight I think he's going to break my arm. My eyes are blurry, and I need air and I kick harder.

"Get off, please get off!" Carrick's face is right above mine now, holding it so hard between his hands. His face looks like mean, and I swear I feel a light stick, I even smell one. I close my eyes as tightly as I can, I don't want to look at him. I can feel they're going to hurt me, and I can't stop screaming. "Stop it hurts," it's not screaming anymore, my voice can't be loud. I smell Mean, and I know fighting him isn't going to make it better and I just stop. That's when I hear her, Mia is there now. She's crying, and when I make my eyes open I turn my head to look at her. She's standing by the table, holding a purple shirt and crying.

"Please stop screaming," she sounds scared. I scared her.

Carrick and Elliot get off of me, and I feel like there is finally enough air in the room again. Grace is there too now, and the four of them are staring at me. I can't look at them anymore, I don't want to see them looking at me sad, mad, scared. I get off the couch, my eyes still aren't clear and I can still feel my heart beating really hard. I don't look at any of them and I go right to my room.

I sit in the dark for awhile, staring at the ceiling, and then the door opens a crack. Mia comes in and closes it behind her and jumps up on the bed. She doesn't say anything, but her little hand holds mine. I don't look at her, until she crawls over and puts her face above mine. "You're going to look really cute in the shirt." I don't say anything back, and I close my eyes. She holds my hand tighter and puts her head on the pillow next to me. "I love you," it's so quiet, how she says it, and I think I didn't hear her. How could she love me, after I scared her? After I made her cry?

"I'm sorry," I don't open my eyes or move, but I say it loud enough for her to hear.

"You love me too, right?" She sounds so little.

"Yeah."

"No, you have to say it," and she sounds like she's going to cry again.

"I love you," my own voice sounds weird, and a tear drips down my cheek onto the pillow. She doesn't say anything, but she just lays there and I wish she could hug me without touching me.


End file.
